Yankees' New Grooming Policy Allows Players to Grow Their Pubes

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BRONX, NY—In a groundbreaking shift that has rocked the baseball world, the New York Yankees announced today that players will now be allowed to grow out their pubic hair. This marks the most radical departure from the organization’s notoriously strict grooming policy.

“For decades, we’ve expected our players to embody the clean-cut professionalism of this franchise,” said Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner. “But in today’s game, we recognize the need for certain personal freedoms. While facial hair is now permitted in a ‘well-groomed’ capacity, we also believe players should have the autonomy to let it rip below the belt.”

The change comes after years of pushback from players who felt that Yankees management’s draconian insistence on body-wide depilation was an unnecessary constraint on their personal lives.

“It’s about time,” said outfielder Aaron Judge, scratching enthusiastically at his waistband. “This is the first time I’ve felt truly comfortable as a Yankee. No more sneaking off to underground locker room waxing sessions to stay compliant. It’s liberating.”

While team officials insist that “some level of maintenance” is still expected, they have reassured players that clubhouse enforcers will no longer conduct routine crotch inspections before games. However, the organization did emphasize that “anything beyond a natural state of disarray” will still be met with hefty fines.

The announcement has already sparked controversy among Yankees traditionalists.

“This is a disgrace,” said longtime fan Richard Colton, 67, as he clutched a framed photo of Derek Jeter’s hairless jawline. “What’s next? Players openly admitting they wipe with something other than a silk Yankees monogrammed handkerchief? This isn’t the franchise I grew up with.”

Still, for many in the clubhouse, the change represents a long-overdue step forward. “Listen, I respect the Yankee way,” new free-agent signee Juan Soto said. “But the idea that Mantle, DiMaggio, and Ruth all walked around with perfectly bare junk is just ridiculous.”

At press time, sources confirmed that Yankees shortstop Anthony Volpe was reportedly sculpting the interlocking “NY” logo into his newly freed bush.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we trim our downstairs.

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