Yankees Hire AI Version of Casey Stengel as Manager

By Dave Henry

NEW YORK - The struggling New York Yankees have hired a reanimated, artificial intelligence version of Casey Stengel as their new manager, a source tells End of the Bench. 

Stengel, who died in 1975, was the most successful manager in franchise history, winning seven World Series titles from 1949 through 1958 for the Bronx Bombers. Yankees GM Brian Cashman believes the Yankees can capture some of that Stengel magic through the wonders of technology.

"It's great," said Cashman, "because we get the managerial brilliance of Casey Stengel -- and we don't have to feed him or pay him. And we can just shut him off after the game."

The Yankees played a few exhibition games with “AI Casey,” as he has come to be known, at the helm during the All-Star break and the results were promising, but not without some glitches.

"Yeah, he buffered a few times while giving hand signs in the dugout, but those glitches are to be expected with any new technology," said Cashman. "Over time, as the technology improves, AI Casey will be just as lifelike and cantankerous as the real Casey was."

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Along with the occasional buffering, AI Casey also tried to light up a cool refreshing Chesterfield cigarette a few times during the exhibition games but became irate and “threatened to end all of humanity” when he was told that smoking was no longer allowed in the dugout.

“The world is still trying to figure out AI, and the Yankees are no exception,” Cashman added. “I saw Terminator, I am not trying to fuck around here.”

The computer program will manage his first real game for the Yankees this week against the Angels. If all goes well, Cashman said the team will look to “bring back more AI talent.”

"We're working on developing AI Babe Ruth and AI Mickey Mantle," said Cashman. "But the technology is not yet there for them to be able to hit. We'd also have to allow them both to consume copious amounts of alcohol and cigars to keep them happy, and convince them that batting helmets are an absolute necessity these days.”

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.

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