Wimbledon Draws Record Number of Fans, Threesomes

By Clay Beyersdorfer

WIMBLEDON - In a bizarre twist of events, this year's Wimbledon Championship has seen an unprecedented surge in attendance, not due to a newfound appreciation for the sport but rather inspired by the recent release of the movie "Challengers." 

The film, which showcases a steamy love triangle among three tennis players, has inadvertently transformed Wimbledon into ground zero for hedonistic escapades.

The All England Club, once the epitome of tennis tradition and etiquette, now teems with fans whose primary interest lies in replicating the movie's explicit scenes rather than watching any actual tennis.

Tournament officials, caught off guard by this lascivious influx, are scrambling to maintain order. 

"We were prepared for intense matches and strawberries with cream," sighed one exhausted official. "We were not prepared for the grounds to turn into a bloody X-rated version of 'Eyes Wide Shut'."

Security teams have been bolstered to combat the rampant public indecency, though efforts have been largely ineffective. Reports from the grounds describe an atmosphere more akin to a decadent Roman orgy than the most venerable tournament in tennis. 

One elderly Wimbledon regular was overheard muttering, "This isn't Wimbledon; it's Sodom and Gomorrah with tennis whites." 

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Some tennis purists are taking drastic measures to escape the debauchery. 

"I came here for the love of the game," lamented Roger, a 70-year-old lifelong fan. "Now, I can't enjoy a match without stumbling upon yet another impromptu sex party. I miss the days when the only doubles action was on the court."

Despite the chaos, Wimbledon officials have grudgingly acknowledged that ticket sales have hit an all-time high.

"If nothing else, this has been good for business," admitted a spokesperson when reached for comment. "Though explaining the spike in attendance to our sponsors has been...challenging."

Not all reactions have been negative, however. Some players have leaned into the absurdity, with one anonymous competitor remarking, "It's hard to stay tense about a match when you’re just constantly horny. The adrenaline is good for the game. And the tantric sex.”

Wimbledon merchandise has adapted swiftly, capitalizing on the newfound kink in its clientele. The traditional tennis whites now feature suggestive slogans and designs, with items like "Looking For Some Cream On My Strawberries" t-shirts selling out almost immediately. 

As the tournament approaches its final rounds, it remains to be seen whether this unorthodox wave of enthusiasm will have any lasting impact on Wimbledon or if it will be remembered as a surreal blip in the tournament's storied history. 

One thing is certain: this year's Wimbledon has shattered every boundary and freed every inhibition.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we figure out how to get to Wimbledon.

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