What Would Give the U.S. Open a Truly 'New York' Feel

by William Vaillancourt

1. With Yankee Stadium’s “bleacher creatures” in mind, the tournament director designates Section 112 in Louis Armstrong Stadium for the “loge joes.” 2. One lucky fan, chosen by raffle, may purchase an honorary deed to the grounds for just $24 in trinkets. 3. The expiration of the serve clock triggers a recording of the New York Stock Exchange bell — and a spike in blood pressure among those in luxury suites during Labor Day weekend. 4. Rudy Giuliani appears, then immediately leaves, after realizing that Donald Trump did not, in fact, arrange a lavish birthday party for him. 5. If Novak Djokovic, who said during Wimbledon that wolves are his “spiritual nature guides,” becomes champion, the engraving on his trophy reads, “The Wolf of Wall Street.” 6. Players in Arthur Ashe Stadium who hit balls into the stands after their victory aim them at fans in Knicks apparel to increase screen time for the team, tickets for which are now on sale! [JAMES DOLAN SPONSORED POST] 7. Rather than emitting an “Out!” call, the voice of Hawk-Eye Live exclaims “Oh!” ten decibels louder and with an air of incredulity. 8. The presence of Robert De Niro at a night session spurs John McEnroe to give an outstanding impression of his character in 'Goodfellas', but an uninspired and undesired impression of his character in 'Dirty Grandpa.' 9. Over the course of the tournament, the signals given by doubles players at net outnumber those used by drivers in Manhattan. 10. Rather than sleepwalk their way through the draw, heavily-favored players are encouraged to play just well enough to make their matches seem competitive since they’re in a city that doesn’t even sleep to begin with. 11. Spectators at a match with a set score of 6-0 win a free bagel from a bakery whose owner says the secret “is all about the tap water, you know?” 12. Press conferences are no longer mandatory, but those who decline to do so must wear color-coordinated match attire and take the subway to Coney Island in the middle of the night while fending off autograph requests from club-level players. 13. Instead of lasting a minute, the countdown from the end of warmups until players start their match goes by in a New York minute, due to ambient noise from Times Square being pumped onto the court for dramatic effect. 14. If the top seed wins the title, one of their prizes is a 16” MacBook Pro — the largest model available — in recognition of their growth from a seed into a big apple. 15. If the top seed loses in the first round, commentators preface their post-match analysis by saying, “Start spreading the news.”