Washington Wizards Announce Hats, CBD Oil & Emotional Support as 2023-2024 Giveaways

By Nicki Escudero

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Washington Wizards announced their pregame giveaways for the 2023-2024 season this week, highlighted by hats, CBD oil, and emotional support. 

The organization hopes by creating useless consumerism junk and giving it away for free to attendees, attitudes about the team and its recent lack of success will change.

“We may not have a winning organization, but we will have the best damn hats underpaid Chinese sweatshop kids can make,” a Wizards source tells End of the Bench. “We’ll do whatever we can to help fans get through this season.”

The giveaway lineup is as follows.

• October 28 - Box of Kleenex (for the tears)

• November 10 - Vomit Bag (for the puke)

• December 13: CBD oil (for the nerves)

• January 15: Reversible Wizards hat (so fans can reverse it exiting the stadium so they’re not caught out in public with Wizards gear on)

• February 10: Healing stones (for fans to hold in their shirt pocket or bra)

• March 8: Essential oils (for when the CBD isn’t enough)

• April 12: Counseling and grief support (season ticket holders only)

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Wizards players have even come out in support of the new giveaway initiative.

“I think this giveaway announcement is a great way to pump up the D.C. community and get fans stoked for the season,” said guard Jordan Poole. “Sure, it’s likely to be another playoff-less season, but free Kleenex? You can’t beat that.”

The Wizards also announced a new mental health support room located behind section 118. Game attendees can visit the room to be soothed in an instrumental pod when they need to recharge mid-game.

“We’re really grateful for all the loyal D.C. fans who have stuck by us, despite me taking my fashions more seriously than my game,” says forward Kyle Kuzma. “We hope these tchotchkes will remind fans we’re a team, an actual, real NBA team here in the nation’s capital.”

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