US Olympic Committee Suggests Full Blown War As New Event

By Joe Fernandez

The U.S. Olympic Committee has proposed introducing “Full-Blown War” as a new Olympic event following Donald Trump’s declaration of his intention to take Greenland and Canada by force, if necessary.

“We feel full-blown military warfare will be a great event that really brings people together in the spirit of the Olympics,” said UFC CEO and newly installed head of the U.S. Olympic Committee Dana White. “Death via battle brings out the best in true competitors, and we look forward to live streaming it to the entire world on Peacock,” White added before slamming multiple Monster energy drinks and screaming, “NOW WHO’S READY FOR WAR?!”

The event would primarily consist of soldiers dressed in their respective countries’ armed forces uniforms invading enemy territories with military-grade artillery, tanks, tactical gear, fighter jets, and other weapons of mass destruction.

According to rules submitted by the U.S., the duration of the event will depend on which country can no longer withstand the devastation being inflicted upon its population. A country will be declared the loser when its citizens surrender at the sight of entire families being burned alive in bombing raids or suffering from war crimes that go unanswered beyond toothless financial sanctions.

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Early predictions suggest the competition will come down to the United States and China for the gold medal, as it often did in several events during the 2024 Olympics.

Judging criteria will include the accuracy of drone strikes, with deductions for civilian casualties. Judges will also evaluate the effectiveness of dehumanizing propaganda targeting enemy ethnic groups and the level of xenophobic sentiment it generates.

The U.S. began its training for this event in 1776 when the military was first established following the July 4 Declaration of Independence.

“Yes, they’re very well prepared for this,” former military head coach Mark Milley said while sipping whiskey and somberly gazing into the sunset from his veranda. “The horror. The horror,” he whispered.

Countries voicing opposition to the proposed event include Vietnam, Iraq, Ukraine, and Taiwan. However, according to sources inside major geopolitical powers, no one seems to “really give a shit.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we prepare for war.

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