By Todd Mitchell

FISHERS, In.—Celebrated NCAA Division I wrestler Robert Saltz, who grew up without a television in the house, says he's had a difficult first few weeks in the world of professional wrestling.

"It sure isn't how we did things back in Indiana," Saltz admitted when reached for comment. “Then again, we were actually wrestling at Indiana. It’s early, though, I have hope.”

Saltz has been on the road paying his dues in untelevised matches and hoping self-discipline and respect for his colleagues would help push him into stardom with his current wrestling federation, where someone defecated in his gym bag just earlier this week.

"I was hoping to go by 'Bob' to fit in a little better," he said about the tension in the locker room. "But my manager said that's not right for my bad guy persona, so I have to go by 'Registered' Rob Saltz instead."

Saltz says the only thing worse than having your gym bag pooped in are the occasional fans who cheer for that kind of behavior.

“You’ve got to be a real piece of shit to cheer for poop,” he added. “But I guess that’s wrestling.”

Admittedly, Saltz says he is “worse for the wear” since becoming a professional wrestler, which he attributes to the constant hijinks and the change in his attire, a tight lycra singlet. 

Concerned that this may infringe on the American Gladiator intellectual property, Saltz says his new promoters have asked him to now compete in a pair of old Jncos, a button-down shirt, and a leopard mask.

"Used to be I would do anything for a wrestling trophy," Saltz said, pulling at his baggy pants. "But I get why these guys fight over a belt."

Some critics have questioned whether grappling in top-tier youth tournaments and elite university athletic programs do enough to set up young athletes like Saltz for success as pro wrestlers. In contrast, top achievers more often come from childhood trauma in the Canadian wilderness.

"They speak a completely different language in the amateur world," says Jeremy Atwood, a talent scout and producer familiar with Saltz's situation. "They say 'fall' when they mean pin. We say 'pin' when we mean pin. We say 'bump' when we mean fall. We stopped saying 'fall' at all for insurance reasons."

Atwood points out that a "major decision" in amateur scoring is a victory by eight or more points, while the last major decision in pro wrestling was to stop shooting fireworks at the competitors.

"Rule enforcement's a little different, too," Saltz said. "Back in Division I, I got a warning once for accidentally catching my finger in another guy's shoestring. Almost cost me the match. The other night, a dude hit me with the announcer's chair. Right upside the head. The ref didn't see it at all because a pretty lady had climbed up on the ring apron and started a conversation with him."

Illegal moves in professional wrestling are often only restricted when they are literally illegal, such as unlawful discharge of a firearm or stabbing with intent.

"I'm not asking for the mercy rule," Saltz claimed, referring to a policy in the amateur world that would end a match early if one side fell too far behind in points. “But a guy shot at me last week. Like with a gun. Where is the line?”

If all else fails, Saltz tells End of the Bench, he'll have to fall back on his pre-med bachelor of science in microbiology and hope for the best.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we get out of this cage match.

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