Twas the Night I Got Fired

By Urban MeyerTwas the night I got fired, when all through my houseNot a creature was stirring, not even my spouse,She kicked me out of our room, so I sleep by the fire,Thinking about how the last year of my life has transpired,My children are nestled, all snug in their beds,While visions of our past life in Columbus dance around in their heads,See I know what’s about to happen, I’ve got this feeling in my gut,This is my last night coaching the Jacksonville Jaguars, case closed, door shut.When out on the table there arose such a clatter,I picked up my ringing phone, already aware what was the matter,It is my boss Shad, calling to say I have been canned, trashed,He says that I am being "fired for cause" and I’ll no longer be receiving his cash.I hang up the phone and look out the window, dreaming of new-fallen Ohio snow,That’s when I realized, “I am no longer a head coach,” and soon the world will know.I sit back down and think to myself, how did we get here?Was I seriously that bad, for so many to boo and jeer?I lay back to clear my head, so I can reflect for a bit,Maybe if I can figure out why this is happening, I'll get over it quick.I’m not above being held accountable, but someone else is definitely to blame,I just need to figure out who's fault this is so I can get back to the game.I guess I did hire that racist, admittedly not my best decision,Then I signed Tebow and made him switch his position.It could have been the excessive contact fine, too much time “on the ball.”Or it could have been the roster cuts I made that were not loved by all.But aside from all that and losing to the Texans, am I really such a bad guy?Who cares if I groped on a woman instead of boarding the team plane to fly?I’m a man’s man, and that’s just what we do,Shelley knows I’m sorry and my commitment to character will help see us through.I don’t think it was any of that though, as a lot of that was just a goof,The media does try to mischaracterize me, publishing nothing but spoof.Nope, it can’t have been any of the above, see, I’ve been around,It could be a conspiracy against me, maybe someone sent out the hounds?That's pretty unlikely though, boy, would that be a hoot,Trying to fool Urban Fucking Meyer, nothing gets out from under this boot.I feel like I am close, but can’t understand why Shad doesn’t have my back,It was almost odd how eager he seemed on the phone to give me the sack.I still can’t figure out why I’ve been let go, a feeling not so merry.I know, I’ll pour an old-fashioned...fuck, I am out of cherries.This night continues to spiral, reaching the lowest of lows,I just got fired and now can’t even properly drink away my sorrows.Where are my keys? I’ll just go to the store up the street.There’s got to be cherries there, maybe even some smoked meat.The only way to get over this sadness is to fill my Buckeye belly,I’ll get all liquored up and dance alone in my living room, shaking my body like jelly.Yes, that will be the ticket, I’ll feel much more like myself,Besides, it is almost Christmas time, why not act like an elf?Maybe then I will figure out why in the world my job prospects are dead,I don't understand how I was let go with all of my street cred.I make it to the store and secure the necessary tools for tonight’s work,Then cut ahead of the mom in front of me, who under her breath calls me a jerk.I flip out a $100 bill to pay for the cherries since I’ve got a few of those,Who cares about money, because when your name’s Urban Meyer, anything goes.I walk out of the store, still wondering how I could have avoided this missile,Which ultimately led to my very unfortunate and unwarranted dismissal,But before I get in my vehicle to rue and drive out of sight,I roll down my window and scream at everyone in the parking lot…Merry Christmas, you fucking losers, and to all a good night!