Trump places 25% tariff on Tush Push

By Dave Henry

After NFL owners punted on banning the Tush Push, former President Donald Trump decided to take matters into his own hands, imposing a 25% tariff on any team that uses the play.

"Did you know that I can just put tariffs on things?" Trump said. "I had no idea until my advisers just said go for it, Congress won’t do anything about it. So I just started tariffing everything — countries, cars, steel, farmers, aluminum, and now gross, boring football plays."

Trump said the tariff on the Tush Push is designed to discourage teams from running the play — he thinks.

"Honestly, I’m not completely sure how tariffs work," Trump said. "So, who pays the tariffs again? Would it be the team that commits the Tush Push? Or the defense that allows the Tush Push to score? I should probably think this through a little more — nah, let’s do it. My guys will figure it out."

Trump said he hates the Tush Push because it is boring, predictable, unfair, and just plain gross.

"It’s just this big pile of dudes pushing other dudes' butts, and some of those butts are probably farting with all the pushing going on," Trump said. "I don’t want to see that."

Trump said the Tush Push tariff would generate "lots" of revenue for the country, even though there is absolutely no commerce involved in the play.

"Wait, there’s no money trading hands with the Tush Push? So what’s the 25% tariff on? Twenty-five percent of nothing is nothing," Trump said. "You idiots! Who came up with this stupid idea? I want someone fired. NOW!"

When asked why he doesn’t just fine teams that run the Tush Push instead of imposing a tariff, Trump made his thinking face.

"Can I just do that?" he asked. "Don’t answer that — let’s just do it. Fine any team that does it $5 million, and any player involved $1 million each. What are the Democrats gonna do? Filibuster? What a bunch of losers."

Trump said the money from the Tush Push fines will be used to establish a new fund to help struggling billionaires.

"Hard-working American billionaires are struggling in this economy," Trump said. "My tariffs have cost them trillions in stock market losses, so this will help them get back on their feet to 10 digits where they belong."

Next, Trump is thinking of putting a tariff on the Tomahawk Chop.

"That thing is so stupid," he said. "And they all do it — the Chiefs, the Braves, Florida State. We’ll tariff them all, any fan who does it — tariff. We’ll make billions!"

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