Trump Issues Executive Order Calling for ‘Rebalancing’ of Hockey Drama Miracle

By Rich Taylor

WASHINGTON—In what appears to be yet another favorable nod to Russian President Vladimir Putin, President Donald Trump signed a new executive order demanding “significant rebalancing” of the Disney sports blockbuster Miracle.

The 2004 movie depicts the true story of Herb Brooks, the player-turned-coach who led the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team to an upset victory over the seemingly invincible Soviet squad. 

Trump questioned the film's veracity during a signing ceremony in the Oval Office.

“Miracle is very one-sided and very woke if you really think about it,” Trump said while holding the signed executive order aloft. “It’s actually quite nasty as far as the Soviets are portrayed. I think it is time for a rebalancing—isn’t that a great word? Rebalancing?—but perhaps in so much as that I think maybe is something we will be looking at closely.”

The call to alter Miracle follows the U.S. leader's continued and recently accelerated embrace of the Russian president. Most recently, on the crucial issue of the Ukraine war, Trump praised Putin—who has outlawed dissent and is believed to have ordered the murder of prominent opponents—claiming, “He wants peace.” Meanwhile, Trump derided Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy as “a modestly successful comedian” and a “dictator.” Now, he has placed the feel-good movie in his sights.

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“When was the last time you enemies of the people watched this piece of propaganda?” Trump quizzed a befuddled gaggle of the press present for the signing. “They show Kurt Russell the entire time, but you never really get to hear the great legendary Soviet coach Vladimir Tikhonov’s point of view. Isn’t that interesting? Did he suspect the U.S. had rigged the result? Were the Americans somehow cheating? I’m just asking questions the movie ignored.”

Trump also seemed to question the outcome of the pivotal contest between the young U.S. squad and the mighty Soviets.

“The movie goes out of its way to point out that the Soviets were unbeatable, right? And yet, many college kids supposedly won 4-3?” Trump wondered aloud. “Americans want answers. At almost every campaign stop, someone would come up to me and say, ‘Sir, I don’t care about egg prices, but in the movie Miracle, if the Soviets were unbeatable, how did they lose, sir?’ Maybe that is something the folks at Disney, which has many valuable, regulated assets besides a movie studio, should take a look at.”

Trump also pushed back on questions regarding his authority to order the altering and redistribution of a 21-year-old movie.

“My lawyers tell me that when a king or president or whatever does something good for the country, it is legal,” he explained while finishing off his seventh Diet Coke of the event. “I think getting this Miracle mess cleaned up is precisely the kind of thing they mean.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we perform a Miracle.

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