Toronto Raptors Reveal They’ve Created a Fully Operational Jurassic Park With Live Raptors

By Ryan David

TORONTO – In an emotional press conference, Toronto Raptors President Masai Ujiri revealed that the Canadian NBA franchise has developed the first-ever interactive dinosaur exhibit–an unprecedented scientific achievement that undoubtedly threatens all of humanity.

“We really fucked up,” said a teary-eyed Ujiri. “I wanted to create a riveting Scotiabank Arena experience that brings the raptors to life, but it has all gone horribly, horribly wrong.”

The Jurassic Park-like attraction, dubbed “Tim Hortons Raptorville,” is a state-of-the-art dinosaur terrarium constructed in Scotiabank’s newly revealed subterranean lair. Meant to feature an array of prehistoric vertebrates, the project was poised to be fully operational by 2025. 

However, those plans were abruptly derailed when a velociraptor outbreak interrupted Monday’s game against the Pacers, plunging the arena into chaos and severely hampering the Raptors playoff odds.

“A bit of a rough one,” said Raptors Head Coach Darko Rajaković about the shortened matchup. “Many bad calls by the refs. Situations we did not capitalize on, yes? But I think we could’ve pulled through if the angry lizard chickens did not storm the court and partially devour Scottie Barnes.”

The incident resulted in a complete blackout inside Scotiabank and prompted television networks to cut away from the live broadcast. As the once-extinct predators swarmed the stands, fans tried to flee but found themselves trapped by an automated emergency lockdown throughout the facility–a crisis that persists.

“I urged management not to create a superintelligent raptor petting zoo,” remarked a scientist who worked on the project who also wished to remain anonymous. “I told them that it’s a violation of nature to make Late Cretaceous dromaeosaurs dribble a basketball, but they didn’t listen.” 

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When asked how the raptors breached the stringent security measures, the scientist replied, “Perhaps because we also taught them language, art, and calculus. I guess that one’s on me.”

Responding to mounting fears from the public, Toronto police claim that the situation is contained and great strides have been made in talks “with the raptors” to free the Scotiabank patrons. 

It is unclear if authorities were referring to the team or the rampaging reptiles. A cryptic statement from the office of General Manager Bobby Webster attempted to further assuage concerns.

“Everything is fine,” wrote Webster. “Soon the supposed ‘Raptors’ organization will be liberated from the trifles of second-rate intellect, but until safety can be guaranteed for our new guests, the human basketball people cannot be released.”

Despite the unfolding existential threat, Ujiri does not believe the season is lost.

“We’re still only three games behind the Hawks for a play-in spot, and have plenty of time to recover.” 

But grappling with the calamity of ancient beasts may prove too trying for an already struggling squad. 

Such a setback would likely necessitate a total off-season rebuild of the team’s roster, front office, and the hollow hellscape left in place of what may be Scotiabank Arena’s ruins.

At press time, Ujiri was reportedly exploring a trade with the Memphis Grizzlies for a live bear from FedExForum’s upcoming grizzly habitat.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we run for our lives.

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