Timberwolves Front Office Realizes They Should’ve Surrounded Andrew Wiggins with Best Shooter, Coach, and Defender of all Time

By Noah Cohen-Greenberg and Sam Mermin

MINNEAPOLIS - This season has not been a happy one for the Minnesota Timberwolves and owner Marc Lore. 

The Timberwolves have gone a meddling 20-20 over the first 40 games of the season, clinging to a .500 record, while the Golden State Warriors own a league-best 30-9 record thanks to the dazzling play of former Timberwolves’ #1 overall pick Andrew Wiggins.

“Dammit! Goddammit!” shouted Lore, as he watched the former Timberwolf pour in fifteen points and one steal against the Pelicans last Thursday evening. “He’s an absolute goddamn star!”

Wiggins has blossomed in his new role in Golden State, and Lore believes some of the ingredients leading to Wiggins’ success should have been obvious to the Timberwolves’ front office years ago. “It’s all right there!” he said, pointing furiously at the TV mounted in his office.

“The way he plays off Curry: obviously that’s the way to get the best out of him. And see, look there—see how he cashes in Draymond’s no-look pass for a wide-open three?” Lore told EOTB, shaking his head. “It almost couldn’t be more obvious.”

Lore claims he actually proposed pursuing some sort of star-studded roster to surround Wiggins a few years ago, and regrets not being more forceful in making it happen. 

“I knew what we had to do,” he whispered as if someone would steal his idea. “I knew that if we just gave him pieces and just drafted players who would become elite, all-time, game-changing players…the sky was the limit for Andrew.”

“I also had the thought that we should go after Kevin Durant in 2016,” he added. “And I always had this feeling that a genius coach might be helpful in getting the most out of Andrew.”

Current Timberwolves players echoed Lore’s sentiment that a hall-of-fame supporting cast was a key part of Wiggins’ improvement. “No fucking kidding,” said veteran Karl-Anthony Towns. “Who would’ve thought.” Towns then had to leave abruptly to explain to a few Covid-exemption players how to run a pick and roll.

Lore swears he won’t make the same mistakes with Minnesota’s young core. “Ant has the potential to one day be as dominant as Andrew has been this year at Golden State,” Lore said, in reference to second-year shooting guard Anthony Edwards, who is currently averaging 3.3 more points per game than Wiggins. 

“And what I’m grateful for, is that now we know the blueprint. I’ve been in talks all week about trying to get Nikola Jokic in here. We’ve gotten some really positive feedback from our guys about that move,” Lore added. “I’m also thinking it might make sense to see if Phil Jackson wants to make a comeback and be our coach. It’s really simple, you know. Maybe we’ll take a stab at Antetokounmpo––the guy in Milwaukee––I feel like he might help bring the best out of Ant and Karl.”

When we asked Lore, who reportedly suggested moving the Timberwolves to the Bay Area in 2017, whether he believed the Wolves’ decision to draft two point guards over Curry in the 2009 draft had anything to do with their lack of success in the 2010s, he told us he’d had enough of the “gotcha” questions and turned his attention back to finding three future hall-of-famers willing to live in Minnesota on cheap contracts.