The Completely Reasonable Rules of Playing Tennis with Me, Your Child

By Divyansh Kulshrestha

1. If a player is up by a lot of points, they should stop trying to score more points. If the lead becomes more than one set, they should immediately apologize to their opponent and anyone who is watching us play. This is essential to the spirit of the sport.

1. No smile on the court. There is no joy in winning against someone who is almost 25 years younger than you.

1. The game will follow a royalty points system, meaning that for every game you win, I get 10% of your salary as pocket money.

1. If a lot of your serves have been aces, you should stop and think about what an uninspiring parent you are becoming. Follow this by a string of successive double faults and net services.

1. If you’ve just hit a magnificent forehand, don’t stop and look at it go. Keep your eyes down and walk back to your baseline. What you’ve just done is shameful and as a parent, you’re setting a wrong example for me, your child.

1. In fact, if you hit a great shot, you should feel embarrassed by yourself and reward your opponent by letting them watch a 10-minute toy review video on YouTube.

1. Giving your opponent a shot to be played on the backhand is illegal. If you end up doing that, not only will your opponent be awarded a point, but you’ll also have to buy them a Roblox gift card.

1. Celebrations are strictly not allowed. Do not show any emotion. To be honest, it is the moral duty of a parent to suppress all emotions in front of their child. If anyone walks by the court, they should think that two mannequins are playing.

1. Don’t do anything new. Keep all your advanced tactics at home and don’t even try to bring them on the court. If you use a novel technique to somehow get a ball past me, I will steal your phone and send an image of dog poop to your boss.

1. Pretty much anything that makes the game boring for me is off-limits actually. It is your duty to make me enjoy as much as I can enjoy in the game, whether it is by losing or writhing in pain to a sore back.

1. Failing to follow these rules will give me the right to tell mom about the Xbox you bought last year and have been hiding in the basement.