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The 13 Scariest Things in Sports
Happy Halloween!
Locked in caption.
By Clay Beyersdorfer, Ryan David, Nicki Escudero, Doug Kolic, Maury Levine, Henry Loe, and Mike Range
Mascots - A nightmare combination of a dead-eyed stare and suspiciously aggressive dance moves from someone whose identity remains terrifyingly unknown.
The NCAA - Fueled by corporate greed and lust for power, this blood-sucking racket enforces rules however they please and takes no prisoners.
Rec Basketball Leagues - Hour-long arguments over fouls, pools of sweat from a Boomer’s back, and the reality that no one is winning at life.
NFL Team Doctors — A cadre of sycophantic yes-men willing to slap a bandaid on a player’s head and clear them for play lest they get blackballed for even mentioning CTE.
Concession Stand Workers - Hastily trained, disease-carrying food handlers who serve you misshapen hot dogs, hairy chicken fingers, fried grease skins, and suspiciously moist pretzels.
T-Shirt Cannons - A military-grade bazooka launching wads of cotton toward your children at 200 feet per second.
The WNBA — A women’s sport growing with such meteoric popularity that it sends a shiver down the spine of every divorced misogynist.
Little Leaguers lacking grip strength — Teammates, coaches, and fans, watch out — you never know when an aluminum bat will go flying.
Tom Brady - A zombie has taken over the NFL on Fox broadcast booth! Run for your lives!
The Dwyane Wade Statue - Part demonic entity, 100% nightmare fuel. This statue has risen from the burning abyss of hell to steal your sports soul. Though you’ll appreciate the Miami Heat for commissioning a blind artist to sculpt it.
Cleveland Browns Ownership--Demons who walk the earth with the sole purpose of crushing fans' souls.
Referees — Brutal tyrants whose deteriorating faculties and dictatorial decrees hold hostage the destinies of entire sports.
Postgame Traffic - An all-out death race laden with drunk drivers and pissed-off fans from the losing team, both dead-set on running you and your family off the road.
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