Terrible Father Branches Out To Be Terrible Soccer Coach

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By Dan Bookbinder

STAMFORD, CT— Local pest control specialist and recent divorcee, Joseph Fricker, pivoted from his daily role as a terrible father to becoming his children’s terrible soccer coach.

Sources tell End of the Bench Fricker made the move to coach the Harbor Point Gulls following a series of repeated “incidents” at home. Fricker confirmed those incidents when reached for comment.

“My soon-to-be ex-wife is threatening to cut off custody just because sometimes I forget to pick them up from swim class a few times a week, I leave my sword collection room unlocked, and I vape in the car with the windows up,” Fricker said in the parking lot of the Catwalk Gentlemen’s Club. “Anyway my lawyer says that showing the judge that I was involved in their lives would help my case and coaching their team would be the cheapest and easiest way to do that. Besides, I should try and spend time with them before they get to that high school where they make them use pronouns and force them to use litter boxes. Thanks, Obama.”

Fricker, 38, a self-described “former athlete” whose Junior Varsity football career was cut short after a leap from a roof into an above-ground pool, admits he’s unfamiliar with the game of soccer, but has implemented training techniques from his youth and playing Madden while his wife soothed the kids when they were up all night with colic.

“Practice is really hard and I want to go home,” said Gulls player Paul Liu. “Can you please call my mom?”

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Local psychologist Jake Filush spoke with EOTB about the impact parents can have on their children when volunteering to coach.

“When fathers step in and coach their children’s teams it’s generally a positive experience if they focus on enrichment, education, and sportsmanship. But there is a dark side, full of fathers who are rightly scrutinized for incidents of favoritism, violence, and misconduct,” said Jake Filush, local sports reporter for the Stamford Advocate. “And then there’s Fricker, who has somehow managed to fall even below that. I cannot state enough how unqualified he is to be around children.”

The Gulls currently have a 4-7-1 record, with Fricker mostly absent from his coaching duties, leading to his ex-wife’s new boyfriend, Eliot, stepping in and coaching the team to its only four wins.

“I love those kids more than anything,” said Fricker when found at ‘Peel and Eat Shrimp Night’ at Cobb’s Canteen. “Almost as much as I love peel-and-eat shrimp night at Cobb’s Canteen.”

Fricker’s children, ex-wife, and attorney all declined to comment.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we peel and eat shrimp.

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