Taliban Launches New Minigolf Tour

By Dave Henry

KABUL - Encouraged by the success of the Saudi-backed LIV Golf professional tour, the Taliban is now trying its hand at professional sports, announcing the Friendly Nonthreatening Taliban International Minigolf Tour, or FNTIM Tour.

“We’re thrilled to jump into the exciting world of minigolf with this non-threatening, friendly tour for the happy professionals in the realm of minigolf,” a spokesman for the Taliban said. “Hopefully, it will make the world think of funny windmills and brightly colored golf balls when they think of the Taliban, not machine-gun-toting, army fatigue-wearing militarized strongmen.”

A spokesman for the terrorist group and ruling faction of Afghanistan said they didn’t have the sheer wealth to pour into the sport as the Saudis did with the LIV tour but hope their success can still be replicated with minigolf.

“We were impressed by how easily manipulated Greg the “Great White Shark” Norman, Dustin Johnson, Sergio Garcia, Lee Westwood, Phil Mickelson, and the other great professional golfers were by money that we thought, ‘Why can’t we do the same with the great minigolf professionals of the day?’” the Taliban added.

League officials acknowledged that while there aren’t currently any great minigolf professionals (except for Steph Curry, who is committed to basketball at the moment), the Taliban won’t be deterred from making the FNTIM a success.

“That just means that we will put the sport of minigolf on the map by attracting the best of the best to our happy, friendly tour,” he said. "It's sure to be an explosive season." 

The first tour event will be held on July 24 at the ruins of the Jalalabad Civic center and Convenience Store.