Suns, Heat Compete for NBA Global Meltdown Cup

By T. Kent Jones

PHOENIX – In a nod to the unprecedented heatwave currently gripping the planet, the Phoenix Suns will face the Miami Heat for the first annual NBA Global Meltdown Cup during the upcoming season.

“It’s a crisi-tunity,” said Suns’ head coach Frank Vogel. “This is a perfect chance to raise awareness about the urgent need to address climate change, and our urgent need to relocate before we burn to a cinder. Calgary is looking really good right now. Also, let me try this one out: The Edmonton Suns.”

This summer has seen the hottest days ever recorded on earth so the Suns-Heat game will be played indoors at the Footprint Center in Phoenix instead of outdoors as originally planned.

Said one Heat executive, “The safety and well-being of the players, staff, and fans are our first priority. You’ll notice we’re not playing on the surface of Venus, either.”

“We are not iguanas,” added Heat star Jimmy Butler, “We are not cacti.”

The Suns call one of the hottest cities in the United States home--Phoenix hasn’t seen a day where high temperatures didn’t reach triple digits since June 13. The team has actively supported renewable energy projects and worked towards reducing their carbon footprint.  

“And where did it get us? It’s still hot as shit here,” said Suns star Kevin Durant. “You win, Climate. We should just take the loss and move somewhere humans can survive. Even Brooklyn sounds good right now.”

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As for sweltering, humid Miami, sea surface temperatures there have soared to the mid-90s, even reaching 100 degrees Fahrenheit at some points. 

“It’s so hot in Biscayne Bay when I go swimming, I make soup,” complained Heat coach Erik Spoelstra. “Our team is also looking hard at Edmonton and Calgary. I realize the name Calgary Heat puts you in a ridiculous Utah Jazz situation, but you’ll get used to it after we bring you a title.”

The game promises to be a good tune-up for the NBA season besides emphasizing the need for immediate action to mitigate the effects of climate change.

Said one organizer, “Come to the game, Phoenix. Nothing says, “I care about the planet” like watching bored millionaires play consequence-free pre-season  basketball in an air-conditioned arena.”

To save on electricity costs, concession-stand popcorn, and hot dogs will be cooked using the windshields of cars in the parking lot.

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