Study: New York Jets Fandom Common Symptom of Clinical Insanity

By Josh Spielman

NEW YORK - The nation's top mental health experts have officially recognized being a “New York Jets Fan” as a clear indicator of clinical insanity. 

After over fifty years of research, the investigative team collected an overwhelming amount of data suggesting that anyone in the year 2022 who claims to be a Jets fan has probably lost their mind.

Along with hallucinations, incoherent speech, and delusional thinking, New York Jets fandom has formally been added to the list of symptoms of psychosis. The result has been met with opposition by local authorities, already reeling due to overrun mental health facilities in the Tri-State area.

Barbara Wishok, 37, is the wife of a New York Jets fan. For her, the news has been “a godsend.”

“I’d come home from work, and he would be curled up in a ball in the living room,” said Barbara of her husband, Frank. “I’d ask him, please, you need to get help. For yourself, for your family. And all he would do is leap at me in a crazed manner and start to spell… J-E-T-S…Jets Jets Jets…”

Mrs. Wishok could not be reached for further comment.

Early on, many believed the problem would cure itself. Researchers anticipated those afflicted with Jets fandom would eventually find a greener pasture. 

The New York Giants, a team with a winning history and two recent Super Bowl victories, reside in the same stadium. 

Even the neighboring Philadelphia Eagles, or cultural mainstays like the Dallas Cowboys or Pittsburgh Steelers, have been touted as valid options to change allegiances to, considering the circumstances.

And yet, thousands of unhinged fans, in their beer and blood-soaked Wayne Chrebet jerseys, continue to descend upon MetLife in berserk droves, to participate in one of the sports’ most masochistic rituals - watch the New York Jets play football.

“Thankfully, the epidemic seems to be controlled. We’re only seeing signs of insanity in the thirty-mile radius that includes New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut,” one expert revealed, wiping her forehead in exasperated relief.

When asked for their thoughts on the matter, one Hoboken resident began to speak on behalf of second-year quarterback Zach Wilson’s “potential,” but his response quickly devolved into an unintelligible dribble, followed by manic spurts of tears and laughter. The family of the Jets fan politely asked for his name to be struck from the record.