Study: 97% Of Americans Call For And-1

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By Divyansh Kulshrestha

WASHINGTON—A new study published Friday by the Pew Research Center offers a groundbreaking analysis of the daily lives of U.S. citizens. It states that nearly 97% of Americans call for an "and-1" whenever life doesn’t go their way.

“While it might sound surprising, our research has proven that 97% of Americans flop to the ground, hoping to get a foul call, as soon as they feel the slightest amount of pain in life,” said lead researcher Harvey Wilson, speaking from the baseline under the basket. “It doesn’t matter if it’s a 6-year-old rookie or a 78-year-old veteran—most Americans are highly unhappy whenever the refs’ decision doesn’t go their way and love to get in their faces and shout insults.”

The psychological study examined how people handle life’s daily struggles and found that many Americans would rather criticize the refs for their problems than seek therapy.

“Some people repeatedly call for an 'and-1' in place of dealing with their trauma. For them, it feels more natural to hold imaginary press conferences and claim the refs are fixing games rather than talk about their problems,” said psychologist Anne Wilson, a contributor to the study. “What’s worth noting is that when their boss eventually fires them, or their girlfriend leaves them, they’ll just blame the NBA for not holding the refs accountable instead of actually working on themselves.”

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Former NBA MVP and TNT analyst Charles Barkley weighed in on the study, claiming the new generation of Americans had “gone soft” and should be given a technical foul to help them learn how to handle life’s challenges.

“You can’t go on crying for a defensive foul or bitch about how bad of a whistle you get whenever shit hits the fan,” said Barkley. “I see so many people calling for a video review of their sad moments to prove they deserved a free throw. Fuck that shit, man. Suck it up and play on. Back in my day, we’d lose our mom and pop on the same day and still show up to work without baiting the refs to call a foul because we were built tough.”

At press time, an NBA referee called an offensive foul on the entirety of America’s population, bringing their tally to six and forcing them to sit out the rest of the day.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we hit this free throw.

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