Stoners Excited For Two Weeks of Bowl Games

By Devin Wallace

The start of the College Football Bowl games signals the most exciting time of the year for many fans, but none look forward to it more than stoners across the country who can’t wait to spend two weeks with their bowls and good kush.

“This is like our Christmas,” said lifelong stoner Reggie Nash, wiping crumbs off his Baja hoodie. “A few weeks with nothing to do except smoke some bowls, man, that’s gotta be the life,” said Nash, before realizing that was indeed his life and giggling for several minutes.

As college athletic administrators prepare for the biggest events of their year, so too do red-eyed stoners put the work in to make the Bowl weeks a success. Many noted that the order of the bowls is key to creating the best experience.

“I like to start with the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl,” said gas station attendant Mo Dunkle from his Bowl Games Command Center in his parents’ finished basement. “That’ll give you a good base for your first few bowls. Then, I move to the Pop-Tarts Bowl for some sugary goodness. A few bowls later, we got the Citrus Bowl because, you know, I love the O.J. And then around 2 AM or so, I’ll probably finish off the Duke’s Mayo Bowl standing in front of the refrigerator.” 

Dunkle stressed that deviating from the correct order could result in the worst-case scenario of a stomach ache but also the best-case scenario of having to do it all again the next day.

While bowl games attract fans of all stripes, perhaps none are excited more than college stoners across the country.

Frank “Fish” Tully, a Boise State student, was surprised the university has been so supportive of bowl games.

“It’s so chill of the colleges to have all these bowls. Usually, they’re not so cool about our bowls, especially when we have them in the dining hall or class or in the campus security office or whatever, but this is progress, man,” said Tully before humming the one Pink Floyd song he sort of knows.

Not all stoners are looking forward to the bowl games, however. Lifelong stoner and Clemson resident Paul O’Schwitz disagrees with the millions of dollars being spent on the bowls.

“It’s just not right, man. I don’t believe in any of this bowl nonsense. We didn’t have that when I was in school. When I was a student, it was all about the basics: joints and bongs, man. We didn’t need this corporate bowl industrial complex,” said O’Schwitz before mumbling something about defense budgets and MKUltra. “I know kids these days love the fun of bowl games, but we gotta get serious and focus on the things that really matter, like smoking a fat doob down by the lake, man.”

Regardless of their perspectives, stoners across the country can agree on two things: that bowl is a funny word, and everyone in the room is probably staring at them.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after you pass that shit.

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