Starbucks Installs Goal Horns to Help Improve Worker Morale

SEATTLE - Starbucks has announced the company will be installing hockey goal horns in every store in an effort to better the working conditions of a growing number of frustrated employees at the national coffee chain.

“Our internal research and current NHL playoffs have shown that people get really excited about loud airhorns that go off after a goal is scored,” a Starbucks representative said in a statement. “Bringing that kind of excitement to our team members is something we feel will improve the overall morale amongst our team members. Every time a sale is made, or an employee starts to feel negative about their work-life balance, the horn can be used to brighten everyone’s spirits. We feel this addition will only enhance our already sterling company culture.”

Starbucks employees across the country have raised concerns about the company’s lack of action regarding low wages as well as employee safety, prompting some shops’ employees to unionize in recent months.

“Things have gotten completely out of hand. Our stores are hazardous, and people are making next to nothing, working overtime just to make ends meet,” said a New York-area barista who agreed to speak on background. “Also, the goal horns…what the actual fuck was the thought behind that? Every time I close my eyes or try to sleep at night, I see a flashing red light and hear that unsettling low wail. It’s haunting.”

And as far as what’s being done to address employee safety?

“The goal horns can be programmed to mimic the sound of a police siren, thwarting off any potential shoplifter or assailant,” the Starbucks rep added. “Unless you work at one of our stores in the Uvalde, Texas area, where the police response has not been up to the ‘Starbucks standard.’ We’re happy to offer those team members an additional 10% on their employee discount to compensate for the loss in peace of mind.”

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.