So-Called Phillies Fan Still Doesn’t Have Any Homicide Charges

By Divyansh Kulshrestha

PHILADELPHIA - Unleashing a wave of distrust among the entire fanbase, the diehard support of 27-year-old Phillies fan Robert Walton was called into question Sunday after it was revealed that he still hadn’t been accused of or arrested for homicide charges in his entire life.

“I know he claims to be a big-time supporter but the fact that the police has still not searched his house for dead bodies means that he’s a big fake,” said Phillies season ticket holder William Hart, “That’s practically the eligibility criteria to support the Phillies. Without that, you’re just a waste of Philly space who deserves to die.”

Mark Bateman, former college roommate of Robert, provided his perspective on the recent revelation.

“Robert used to watch all Phillies games live. He knows all their history and has their baseball-reference pages bookmarked,” Bateman said “But I guess all that nerd shit meant that he couldn’t discover the joys of just grabbing a knife and shoving it through the closest Mets fan’s chest. It’s embarrassing, honestly. I shouldn’t have assumed like that..”

Sources tell End of the Bench the news has even disgusted former players.

“When I used to play for the Phillies, we only gave autographs to fans who had done a minimum of 2 years in jail and had at least 5 homicide charges filed against them,” said World Series winner Chase Utley, “I mean, it’s stupid even to watch a Phillies game if you’ve never assaulted someone.” 

Sharon Walton, Robert’s mom, felt that her child’s blatant ignorance of the Philly tradition might’ve been her fault. 

“I tried to teach him that our real identity, as Phillies fans, is how each one of us has killed another human being and stuffed the body in the dumpster on Chestnut Street,” she said remorsefully. “The wooder we drink is filled with the blood of visiting Braves fans.”

When confronted by those close to him about his lack of murder charges, Robert suggested that he could commit other felonies like embezzlement or fraud because that would “hurt more people.”

That statement has made Phillies fans even more angry.

“When I was a kid, we had to kill a Pirates fan just to get tickets to a Phillies game,” said 80-year-old lifelong fan Michael Adlin. “If kids these days think embezzlement is gonna cut it, they can shove a jawn up their ass and take it back to Chicago before someone comes for their life.”

At press time, the Phillie Phanatic was seen outside Walton’s house, saying that he was there just to talk. Eyewitnesses were unable to confirm whether or not he had a gun in hand.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we finish this jawn.

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