Sister Jean Revealed to Be Lilith, Queen of Demons

By Clay Beyersdorfer

CHICAGO—In a stunning revelation that has rocked the college basketball world and the Vatican alike, Sister Jean Dolores Schmidt, the beloved 105-year-old chaplain of Loyola University’s basketball team, has been unmasked as Lilith, the Queen of Demons, an immortal entity of chaos and darkness dating back to biblical times.

The discovery came after Vatican scholars cross-referenced ancient texts with Sister Jean’s seemingly ageless presence at every Loyola game, her uncanny ability to sway referees with a mere glance, and her eerie tendency to predict tournament upsets with inhuman accuracy.

“For years, we believed Sister Jean was simply a kindly nun offering spiritual guidance,” said Cardinal Giovanni Bianchi, an exorcist dispatched from Rome. “But after reviewing Loyola’s improbable 2018 Final Four run, we knew something supernatural was at play. No team with that little talent should have made it past the Sweet 16.”

According to theologians, Lilith is an ancient figure often associated with seduction, mischief, and preying on the weak—qualities that, in retrospect, bear a striking resemblance to Loyola’s defensive strategy. “It’s clear now that she has been feeding off the desperation of March Madness hopefuls, growing stronger with each broken bracket,” said sports historian Dr. Harold McGill. “Her power peaked in 2018 when she nearly brought a mid-major school to the national championship. We should have seen the signs.”

Students and faculty at Loyola University have reacted with a mix of shock and admiration. “Sure, she might be the mother of all demons, but she also helped me pass my theology final,” said senior Kevin Martinez. “And let’s be real—if she’s been in disguise for over a century, that’s gotta be worth at least an honorary doctorate in performance art.”

As investigators comb through the archives, new evidence suggests Sister Jean may have attended other historical events under different aliases, including “Madame Defarge” during the French Revolution, “The Grey Nun” at Salem’s witch trials, and, most recently, “Sister Mary Clarence” in the Sister Act films.

Meanwhile, NCAA officials are now investigating whether summoning ancient, soul-harvesting forces violates recruiting regulations. “We’ve been looking into NIL violations, but I guess this is worse,” said NCAA spokesman Greg Turner. “If proven true, this could mean Loyola has to vacate several wins. Or, if she is the Queen of Demons, we might just let it slide and hope she doesn’t devour our souls.”

Sister Jean remains undeterred, continuing to offer blessings to Loyola’s squad while ominously whispering in Latin under her breath. When asked for comment, she only smiled and said, “My children, I have seen empires rise and fall. Do you think I fear a technical foul?”

Loyola fans, for their part, have fully embraced their eldritch mascot. “Demon or not, she’s the GOAT,” said longtime supporter Jim Holloway. “If worshiping Sister Jean guarantees another Cinderella run, I’ll start sacrificing goats myself.”

At press time, Sister Jean was reportedly seen floating two feet above the ground, conjuring a fiery portal in the Loyola locker room, presumably preparing for another deep tournament run.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we say a quick prayer.

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