Sha'Carri Richardson Tests Positive for Speed

By Clay Beyersdorfer

PARIS — In a shocking turn of events, U.S. sprinter Sha'Carri Richardson has tested positive for speed, sources tell End of the Bench.

Sources close to the situation revealed that Richardson, known for her striking style and dazzling sprints, was found to have an abnormally high concentration of speed in her system shortly after arriving at the Paris Olympics last week.

Officials were reportedly “baffled” by the findings, with one anonymous insider stating, "With the way she runs it’s no surprise that she was so doped up. This is almost as bad as when the world realized the Looney Tunes were juicing with Michael’s Secret Stuff before beating the Monstars. Everything she does will have an asterisk now.”

Richardson's coach, however, was quick to clarify the situation. 

"Of course, she's full of speed. That’s the job,” the coach said. “Did anyone think she was jogging out there? This isn't a knitting competition, it’s the fucking Olympics. Everybody is on something here. I saw a guy shove a needle in his arm just this morning right outside my hotel. Granted, he wasn’t a competitor, but I think it still illustrates my point, everybody is doping here.”

Richardson, who famously missed the 2020 Tokyo Olympics after testing positive for marijuana, has made an astounding comeback since the last Olympic Games. She holds the sixth-fastest 100m time ever recorded by a woman, clocking in at 10.72 seconds, and consistently ranks among the top sprinters in the world.

The public reaction has been mixed. Fans of Richardson have taken to social media to voice their support, with hashtags like #FreeShaCarri and #LetHerRun trending worldwide. 

One fan tweeted, "If having speed is a crime, then every athlete in the Olympics should be in jail. What's next, disqualifying swimmers for being too buoyant? Penalizing fencers for being too dramatic? Where does it end?"

Meanwhile, the International Olympic Committee is scrambling to redefine its regulations. 

"It’s fair to say that all of our track athletes test positive for some levels of speed, but this is ridiculous," said an IOC spokesperson when reached for comment. "She’s been dropping bodies all over the track, which is really saying something because we’ve got countries here committing actual genocide. It’s a bloodbath out there.”

Richardson's competitors are also feeling the heat. 

“Fuck that shit,” a rival competitor said watching Richardson warm up Monday. “There’s not enough chocolate croissants in the world to give me the energy to match that."

Richardson herself responded to the controversy with a brief statement.

“I’m sorry to the world for what I have done and to the families I have hurt with my actions,” she said. “I take full responsibility for what I am about to do to these poor people.”

As the debate rages on, and the Olympics get fully underway one thing is certain - speed kills.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we eat a chocolate croissant.

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