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Roger Goodell Announces NFL Is Now 30% Football, 70% Casino Partnerships
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LAS VEGAS—In a groundbreaking move, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that the league is officially shifting its focus.
Football will now make up 30% of the NFL’s operations, with the remaining 70% devoted exclusively to casino partnerships, gambling apps, and whatever else “might pry a few more dollars from the public.”
"Football was fun, but have you seen the numbers from our sportsbook deals?" Goodell remarked during a press conference Thursday morning. “Our fans no longer care about touchdowns; they care about their parlays hitting. Sure, we’ll still have a few plays, maybe a field goal or two. But those are just the appetizer to the main course: placing bets on whether the coin toss lands heads or tails.”
This move comes after years of thinly veiled transitions. More and more broadcasts have begun featuring split screens of games next to live betting odds, shrinking the actual game to a corner of the screen altogether.
As part of the new focus, players will wear jerseys sponsored by FanDuel, DraftKings, and a rotating roster of Las Vegas casinos.
“The excitement of football comes from its unpredictability, but that unpredictability is even better when you’ve got $100 riding on the second half over,” Goodell added while pulling a lever on a nearby slot machine. "It's what the fans want: a little bit of sport and a whole lot of speculation. Why else would they keep watching?"
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NFL teams have already embraced the shift. The hometown Raiders, in particular, have announced they’re considering installing poker tables in their end zones for players and fans alike.
“We scored a touchdown once, but then we lost all our winnings at the blackjack table,” said Raiders quarterback Gardner Minshew, showing Goodell his casino loyalty card. “If I knew I was going to lose my money that quick, I would have just bet on the Cowboys winning a Super Bowl.”
In a final flourish, Goodell revealed that referees will now double as blackjack dealers, with penalties only enforced if they cause the house to lose money.
“Look, as long as we don’t disrupt the cash flow, we’re good,” Goodell quipped before handing reporters complimentary $50 chips for use at any NFL-sanctioned casino.
When asked whether this shift might diminish the sport of football, Goodell laughed and replied, “Football is the greatest game on Earth... but only if you’ve got money on it.”
End of the Bench will have more on this story after we get this parlay in.
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