Report: Women's NCAA Basketball Exists

By Meg Reid

INDIANAPOLIS - As the world enjoys the March Madness of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a report released Monday has unearthed a shocking reality that will officially threaten to bring greater gender equity to sports: women also play college basketball.  

The report, co-authored by a team of male journalists, reveals that not only do women play college basketball, but also participate in a post-season tournament, one that has even seen record attendance numbers this year.

The post-season contest is coincidentally also called “March Madness,” which the authors hypothesize is a tribute to the surname of the sisters featured in the novel “Little Women.”

“You know…because they’re women,” the report reads.

Some basketball enthusiasts were stunned when they heard the news.   

“That’s crazy! Like, girl women?” asked Chad Schmitt, who describes himself as a “die-hard basketball fan.”

Sports historian Amy Turley offered her insight after news of the report’s findings was released. 

“Women have only been playing college basketball since 1892, so it makes sense that not many people knew about it,” sports historian Amy Turley explained. "The NCAA also didn't allow the women's tournament to use March Madness branding or even name, until this year, either. One has to wonder if the denial of a prominent marketing opportunity of that magnitude could have delayed these findings."

The report also revealed that women’s basketball is part of a larger phenomenon known as “women’s collegiate sports.”

Data included in the 190-page document also showed that women even make up about half of all NCAA athletes, despite athletic institutions spending 40% more on their male counterparts.

“No fucking way can that be real,” a male source close to EOTB said. 

Following their investigative success, the reporters announced they’ll turn their attention to an issue that has perplexed men for years: figuring out how to tell the difference between well-known superstar athletes Venus and Serena Williams.