Report: United States to Continue Domination of Olympic Sports Invented in and Only Played in the United States

By Dave Walden

COLORADO SPRINGS – The United States Olympic Committee is reportedly feeling “confident” that the U.S. will continue to dominate sports invented and only played in the U.S., sources tell End of the Bench.

Today, the U.S. Olympic Committee hosted a press conference to preview the upcoming 2024 Summer Games in Paris. Sarah Hirshland, CEO of USOPC, addressed the reports.

“As we approach the 2024 Summer Games, I’d like to reflect on our country’s superiority in this global event. The United States has taken home more gold medals all-time than the Soviet Union, Great Britain, and China combined,” Hirshland said in a prepared statement. “This year’s games promise to extend this tradition of excellence by focusing on what America does best – dominating Olympic sports invented in and only played in the USA.”

Hirshland then took questions and elaborated on the US’s winning formula.

“Team USA is at its best when we compete in sports made in America. Let’s take basketball, for example. Dr. Naismith invented roundball in 1891. We’ve had a 150-year head start on the world, and we haven’t looked back. Sure, it’s played in like, three other countries, and LeBron really let us down in 2004, but it’s been a goldmine for us nonetheless,” Hirshland said. 

She responded to several questions on new events making their inaugural appearance at the games.

“We are beyond thrilled that Breaking will be making its first appearance this year after it was first seen in the ’70s in the Bronx and aptly given its name by the great Kurtis Blow. It all but flamed out in the ’80s and, along with it, the hope for global expansion. They might as well give us the medals now.”

The committee feels the inclusion of this event opens the doors to dozens, if not hundreds, of events showcasing dances concocted here in the States.

“What’s to stop us from dusting off the 1920s dance craze, the Charleston, for 2028? The Gritty, the Dougie, the Carlton, the Elaine, the Electric Slide, the Hokey Pokey, or a good old-fashioned heavy metal mosh pit head bang – the possibilities are endless.”

Hirshland also made clear she was open to including more American-invented sports in future Olympic Games.

“Not only is the USA great at inventing sports, but we excel at creating ridiculous offshoots. I mean 3-on-3 basketball is now entering its third Summer Games,” she added. “Why not just add HORSE and Knockout while we’re at it?”

When asked about the non-American-born sports, Hirshland was less than enthusiastic.

“Our committee must not be complacent. With the growing interest in sports around the world, we must stay ahead of the curve. The USOC has a comprehensive, multi-year strategy for aggressive lobbying of homegrown games,” she said. “Right now we’re focusing on Pickleball, Cornhole, and Bass Fishing for Summer 2028.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we play pickleball.

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