Report: Men 86% More Likely to Remember Fourth-String Running Back Than Name of Second Cousin

By Miles-Erik Bell

CORVALLIS, Ore. — Scientists at Oregon State University released a report Tuesday indicating that most men are significantly more likely to remember the name of the Tennessee Titans’ fourth-string running back than their second cousin.

Johann Kloberg, the lead researcher, explained that men were observed at family reunions, and their interactions with extended family members were recorded.

“Observing the men was a real eye-opener,” Kloberg said. “A typical subject would make brief contact with a member of their extended family, squint as though trying to remember their name, and then instinctively reach for their phone to pull up the latest family roster. Moments later, they’d realize no such roster existed, quickly grow embarrassed, and look away.”

End of the Bench managed to connect with a few of the men surveyed.

When asked what was going through their minds after forgetting a second cousin’s name, one participant said, “You know, for a second there, I thought maybe he backed up Chase Brown on the Bengals, but then I realized he’s about 4-foot-2, thin as a rail, and probably six or seven years old. I know he’s related to Aunt Josephine and maybe his name starts with a K, or a J, or possibly an L, but I’m just not coming up with anything.” 

The researchers also noted that many men later found a fellow fantasy football player at the reunion and, within minutes, enthusiastically discussed players to watch for next season. Often, these players had been briefly signed off practice squads before being cut.

Scientists also asked participants how they could recall names like Israel Abanikanda, a sixth-string running back for the 49ers, or Jeremy McNichols, a backup for the Commanders, but not those of actual family members.

One reply summarized a common response.

“Look, I love my family—whatever their names are—but I don’t see anyone in this backyard who can help take my team to the next level. I mean, look over there. Uncle Ben’s kid has been trying to shove corn dogs up his nose for the last half hour. There is not a single scout at this reunion. You should’ve seen the horrendous showing during the flag football game—it’s like half the family doesn’t even know the rules. I’m looking ahead to next year’s fantasy roster and seeing a real dearth of talent.”

The team also performed MRI brain scans on participants and discovered that many men appear to have a mental reserve specifically for remembering backup running backs.

Kloberg likened this reserve to the extra stomach people claim kicks in after a big meal to make room for dessert.

“It’s sort of like the extra gas tank on a Volkswagen Beetle,” he said. “It’s just there for emergencies. Interestingly, we’re seeing a lot of men dip straight into the reserve tank before even filling their primary memory bank. It’s just something to monitor—kind of like the Dallas Cowboys’ backfield.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we remember your names.

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