Report: Chicago White Sox Tickets Officially Only Product in America to Go Down in Price

By Joe Fernandez

CHICAGO—While financial markets fluctuate wildly due to tariffs enacted by the Trump administration, prices on every single product in America are expected to suffer from inflation, with Chicago White Sox tickets being the lone exception, according to a report by The Economist.

Despite having imports from Cuba and the Dominican Republic on their team, fans' unwillingness to go to any baseball game involving Chicago’s South Side team has made White Sox tickets the only product in America to decrease in value amid the current status of global economic insecurity and even worse roster stability on the team.

“We’re operating based on the economic supply and demand model,” a White Sox front office representative said. “Currently, we have a surplus of seats that the average American has no desire to sit in, hence why we’re able to lower the price of tickets to just…” the executive trailed off as he put his hand to his forehead in frustration. “For the love of Christ, we’re sorry about last season; someone just came to the games.”

The White Sox have tried a litany of promotions, including free tickets to a Cubs game if you buy a White Sox ticket, and selling groceries at the stadium at 2007 prices.

To afford these promotions, the team has deducted them from the players’ salaries.

“There’s never been a time where not paying a White Sox player fair value has led to any issues,” owner Jerry Reinsdorf said. Reporters tried to ask Reinsdorf further questions, but he declined to answer as he said he was heading home to watch the film “Eight Men Out” for the first time.

It is unclear when, if ever, White Sox tickets will go up in price, commensurate with the rest of every single product in America, but White Sox fans have hope the team will be good enough to eventually pay an unreasonable ticket price for a team that can break the 60-win barrier.

“I miss paying something that resembles an obscene price to see an average baseball team,” long-time White Sox fan Jorge Sanchez said. “I miss going to a game and complaining with friends about beer prices. But I just can’t justify buying cheap tickets for such a bad American product.”

Team officials have vowed to make the White Sox great agai,n but have not laid out any cohesive plan that makes sense.

When Tony LaRussa was reached for comment, he cackled and said through slurred words, “serves ‘em right,” before what sounded like the noise of someone taking a slug from a flask, followed by car horn noises.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we buy the White Sox.

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