Reanimated Corpse of George Washington Named Starting Center For Ailing 76ers

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By Joe Fernandez

PHILADELPHIA—In a desperate move following a sluggish start to the season and uncertainty surrounding the health of Joel Embiid, the Philadelphia 76ers have chosen to reanimate the corpse of George Washington and start him at center.

“We feel this will help give Joel some rest as he works his way back,” general manager Daryl Morey said at a press conference Monday. “And it’ll hopefully get some fans in to see the former first president of the United States showing off his post-game.”

According to historians, Washington, listed anywhere from 6’2” to 6’6”, was put together by team physicians using parts of Boris Karloff, Allen Iverson, and Julius Irving, who generously donated his calves and shoulders to the procedure.

“This franchise obviously means a lot to me,” the now shoulder and calf-less legendary 76er said. “And if donating half my body so the former first President can add a morale boost to the team, I’m willing to do that.”

Upon bringing George Washington’s body back to life, the team’s head physician, Doctor Frankenstein, was quoted as saying, “IT’S ALIVE! IT’S ALIVE! NOW I KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE GOD! AND HOPEFULLY, THIS CAN GET THE 76ERS BACK IN THE PLAYOFF RACE!”

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Head Coach Nick Nurse said there’s been a “discernible difference” of the tenor in the locker room following Washington’s arrival.

“His speeches are insanely good,” Nurse said. “No wonder we beat the British. He knows how to get people fired up, whether basketball or the Revolutionary War. People just wanna fight for this guy.”

It wasn’t a smooth transition initially, as it took the former President some time to reacclimate to being alive again.

At a press conference introducing the zombified corpse of Washington, a reporter asked how he felt about being brought back into existence.

Washington slowly turned his head towards the reporter and was quoted as saying, “BRAINS. BRAINS!” before being restrained from throwing a little girl into a nearby lake.

“He’s just passionate about the game,” Morey said as security restrained him.

Washington could then be heard shouting, “Practice?! WE TALKIN’ ABOUT PRACTICE?! NOT A GAME, NOT A GAME?! PRACTICE?!”

Since then, players have said Washington has been a force on the court during warm-ups.

“Dude can ball,” star guard Tyrese Maxey said.

When asked for comment about the move, Joel Embiid shoved every End of the Bench reporter in the room and then left muttering, “‘Trust the Process,’ they said.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story after counting these dead presidents.

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