Racquetball Team Determined to Defeat White Wall

By Henry Loe

DENVER—Due to a gross misunderstanding of the sport and a bond forged through two tours in Vietnam, Bob Smith, 82, and Willie Michaels, 83, have reportedly spent the better half of their Saturday in a racquetball match against the court’s 20-foot tall White Wall—a stunt locals call a true testament to the American spirit and leading psychiatrists label as early-onset dementia.

After 18 hours of consecutive play, the dynamic duo have yet to score a single point and show little signs of throwing in the towel, claiming they’d rather die than “surrender to the White Demon.”

“I tried several times to explain the rules and how they were actually playing each other, not the wall,” said facility manager Scotty Miller. “They just kept waving me off and saying, ‘This isn’t your fight, son.’”

The facility manager added that he has had to call the squad several times to revive the two veterans. However, this only inspired them to try harder.

“I truly admire these two, but I don’t know how much longer I can let this go on,” said one of the paramedics who wished to remain anonymous. “My stomach can’t handle another round of mouth-to-mouth. The last time I revived Bob, he spit his dentures out in my face and screamed, ‘die you commies!!!’ as he flailed his racket in the air. It’s safe to say these guys aren’t going anywhere.” 

An anonymous source reported to End of the Bench that the two decorated veterans have come to terms with the fact that they plan to ride this thing out until the very end and go down together in blazing glory.

“This wall just won’t fold,” Bob said as he took a hit of morphine. “You’d think after 18 hours, it’d show some sign of weakness. But no matter how hard I hit that ball, it just flies around me like a speeding bullet, echoing through my skull. I’ve been hit more times than I can count. It’s like Saigon all over again.”

Willie declined to comment on the situation and sat silently in the corner, rocking back and forth in the fetal position.

At press time, the White Wall was winning 397-0, and Bob and Willie were still completely oblivious to the fact that they were actually opponents, not teammates.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we defeat the White Wall.

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