Quarterback Promises Center He’s a Doctor

By Clay Beyersdorfer

GREENFIELD, In. — In an inspiring display of trust between teammates, Greenfield State University’s Marauders quarterback Evan Delaney assured ailing center Kyle McAllister that he’s basically a doctor Monday after years of "hands-on" experience snapping a football.

Delaney, a fifth-year senior, has spent nearly half a decade intimately familiarizing himself with McAllister’s lower anatomy. This deep, albeit unconventional, understanding of McAllister’s groin led Delaney to confidently diagnose his teammate’s recent discomfort as "nothing serious."

“I’ve spent more time with Kyle’s groin than any medical professional ever will,” Delaney said, wiping the sweat from his forehead after a particularly hard-fought scrimmage. “I don’t need a diploma to know what’s happening down there. We’ve got a bond, which tells me everything’s in tip-top shape.”

McAllister, who had mentioned a slight twinge during pregame stretches, was considering a visit to the team’s actual medical staff. However, Delaney quickly stepped in, convincing him that no outside opinion was necessary.

“Every quarterback develops a relationship with his center’s body,” Delaney explained, shrugging off the suggestion that real doctors might be more qualified. “I’m under there every snap. I know when something’s wrong. It’s basically like I’m performing a check-up with every hike.”

Teammates seem split on Delaney’s self-assigned medical expertise, but many back his unorthodox approach. 

“He’s been handling Kyle’s junk for years. If he says the groin’s fine, it’s fine,” said wide receiver Jake Parker. “It’s like football’s version of a stethoscope—except more personal. And not gay at all whatsoever.”

McAllister, initially hesitant about trusting his quarterback’s diagnosis, has since embraced it. 

“I thought I needed a doctor, but Evan's been down there more than anyone else,” he said with a shrug. “Who knows my groin better than him?”

As for Delaney, he’s happy to continue his “medical practice” from behind center. 

“I’ve seen felt enough packages in my career to qualify for some kind of honorary degree,” he said. “Trust me, Kyle’s gooch is in good hands.”

With the Marauders heading into their homecoming game, McAllister is confident that his quarterback has both the offense and anatomy completely under control.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we give ourselves an exam.

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