Qatar World Cup to Allow Extra Substitutions If Any Gay Players Disappear During Games

By Doug Kolic

DOHA, Qatar– World Cup officials in Qatar have confirmed that teams will be allowed extra substitutions if any of their suspected gay players happen to go missing in the middle of a game, according to terrified sources.“Who’s ready for some football?” stated FIFA President Gianni Infantino as he accepted another suspicious envelope from a shadowy figure. “We’ve been criticized for hosting this event in a country where being gay could be criminalized. So out of an abundance of caution, we’re excited to announce that we’ll be allowing teams extra substitutions if any of their players who local security forces deemed to be gay or ‘gay enough’, suddenly go missing during play.”Infantino stressed the buy-in of the host nation when discussing the new substitution policy.“I want to emphasize that we’ve been assured by the Kingdom that everyone, no matter their sexual orientation, will be welcome,” he added. “And just like their word that alcohol will be allowed to be served at stadiums during games, we have no reason to doubt them.”A spokesperson from Human Rights Watch, Janice McKay, was asked about FIFA’s new substitution rule.“What the fuck are you asking me?” said a cantankerous McKay. “Who cares if FIFA is giving teams an extra sub, you’re missing the point. This tournament shouldn’t have ever been awarded to a country with such a poor human rights record, where being a member of the LGBTQ+ community can actually lead to death! But sure, I guess giving teams the opportunity to swap in a fresh striker after their teammate mysteriously disappears off the pitch is a pretty cool rule?”At press time, social media was trying to pressure Elon Musk into purchasing FIFA with hopes he would run it into the ground like he was doing with Twitter.