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Puppy Bowl Veteran Bark Purdy Diagnosed With CTE
Poor puppers.
Big game bark.
By Joe Fernandez
NEW ORLEANS—Just two years after his puppy bowl debut, Bark Purdy’s owners have announced he has been diagnosed with Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy from multiple adorable hits to the head.
At the age of three years old, Purdy went to the vet after exhibiting signs of dementia noticed by his owners.
“I’d pretend to throw a tennis ball, and he would chase it even though it was still in my hand. It’s sad to see,” Purdy’s owner Dave Tillman said in tears.
“It’s hard not to feel guilt. When we entered him into the puppy bowl, we didn’t have all the science. No one warned us about the long-term effects of other puppies' constantly enduring hits to the head.”
Though Purdy was drafted in the late rounds of the 2021 Puppy Bowl, he became a star quickly after replacing the injured Jimmy Ga-Ruff-alo.
When Purdy and his owners were asked at a press conference how he felt today, he responded with light panting and being easily distracted by any nearby squirrel, rabbit, or squeaky toy noise.
“He has a hard time focusing due to the oh-so-cute Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy he suffered,” Purdy’s veterinarian said.
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“It’s so sad,” Maria Tillman, Purdy’s dog mom, added. “It’s gotten so bad that he vomited the other day and then tried to eat it afterward. I mean, name any other dog that does that?”
Despite his condition, Purdy’s parents vow to make him comfortable by dressing him in pajamas and making TikTok videos with him.
“We know this makes him happy,” Maria said without any evidence to support that claim.
“We just wish we had known the long-term effects of such darling slams on his little cutesy-cutesy skull.”
Puppy Bowl league officials are already trying to make the game safer, including providing precious little puppy helmets, something Puppy Union representatives have been calling for over the past decade.
“While it took far too long for these endearing, delightfully pleasant-looking changes, we believe they’ll make the game safer and better for all.”
The move is especially important as the league, and the Puppy Union are due to engage in labor talks over a new contract next year.
“It’s something we think we can get done for the league, for the fans, and for our cherished little players,” said Commissioner Roger Good-Boy-ell.
End of the Bench will have more on this story after we hug a puppy.
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