Puppy Bowl Running Back Tests Positive for Zoomies

By Brisa Sylvestre

GLEN FALLS, NY - Puppy Bowl running back Rush Bones, a Siberian Husky mix out of Nebraska, has tested positive for Zoomies, End of the Bench has learned.

The stunning revelation comes at a crucial time just days before kickoff, and one Head Coach Chet Peters is not taking it lightly.

“I thought Bones was just bringing his A-game to practice and I’ve been praising him for all the work he did in the off-season to get in shape,” said Puppy Bowl coach Chet Peters. “Now I find out that it was all just a bunch of dog shit.”

Puppy Bowl analyst Fred Spaulding, who was present at practice this week sat down with EOTB to give his insight into what that means for Bones’ team come Sunday.

“The big concern here is if Bones will still suit up on Sunday or if the league feels the Zoomies give him an unfair advantage over the other players,” said Spaulding. “My gut reaction? I truly don’t know how the league lets Bones off the leash here.” 

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A source tells EOTB that Bones’ uptick in production and overall energy drew speculation from league officials late last week, at which point he was tested for Zoomies by Puppy Bowl-appointed veterinarian Barry Weathers.

“Upon my examination, I determined that Rush Bones was indeed found to have a case of the zoomies,” said Weathers, pulling a Milk Bone out of his pocket. “Zoomies can cause a player to get a spontaneous burst of energy for whatever reason and run around aimlessly. He is probably so Zoomed up right now he has no idea what a football even is. It’s both adorable and sad to watch in real-time, a player just throwing their career away like that.”

At press time, Bones was seen running at full speed around the Puppy Bowl set before humping a cameraman. Fans, teammates, and league officials will now anxiously await the final word from Animal Planet executives on the running back’s standing before Sunday.

End of the Bench will have more on this story as soon as we get rid of our Zoomies.