Public Health Officials Classify Chicago Bears a Choking Hazard

By Ryan David

CHICAGO—The Illinois Department of Public Health has classified the Chicago Bears as a high-risk choking hazard after their devastating Thanksgiving loss to the Detroit Lions.

The order follows a disastrous final thirty seconds in Thursday’s contest. Trailing by three points, now-fired Head Coach Matt Eberflus failed to use the Bears’ remaining timeout, allowing the clock to expire without attempting a game-tying field goal. 

The humiliating defeat stunned fans and spared the Lions from a near 16-point-lead collapse, leading health experts to warn of a wider choking epidemic.

“The disappointment and danger is unlike anything we’ve seen since Cody Parkey’s Double Doink,” cautioned Public Health Director Sameer Vohra. “Don’t watch games. Don’t attend them. If you do, avoid food or alcohol, and please resist the urge to shove inanimate objects down your throat cathartically.”

By the weekend, Chicago hospitals reported spikes in throat injuries, hand trauma from punching televisions, and dehydration due to uncontrollable bawling.

“Usually we see routine complications related to Thanksgiving dinners—food poisoning or chronic diarrhea from Giordano’s Turkey-Loaded Deep-Dish Pizza,” said emergency room doctor Lamonte Smith. “But never before has someone devoured an entire leg without removing the fork.” 

“I just kept snapping wishbones and begging to wake up,” said hospitalized Bears fan Eric Cohan. “By the seventh worthless crack, reality finally sank in. That’s when I realized I must dip the shattered fragments in Grandma’s gravy and consume every last one.”

The state also issued emergency directives to local businesses. End of the Bench spoke with a manager of a Jewel-Osco grocery store about the measures.

“Scores of people have been inhaling batteries like Tic Tacs and sucking down Tic Tac containers unopened. We’ve locked up products small enough to be swallowed and stopped selling bleach to deter Bears faithful from embracing the ‘long hibernation’ they’ve alluded to. This truly is a Black Friday.”

Officials worry that the choking outbreak, though temporary, will strain a community already vulnerable to health risks like the flu, violent crime, and the Chicago White Sox. However, some doctors believe the self-inflicted wounds are symptomatic of a lasting condition called Post-Seasonal Affective Disorder.

“P-SAD is characterized by heightened distress at a team’s repeated failure to construct a passable roster and make the postseason,” explained Dr. Smith. “The affliction disproportionately affects Bears fans, the city of Cleveland, and Derek Carr. Unfortunately, until these in-game blunders relent, P-SAD surges will continue.”

With the Bears’ gross mismanagement showing no end, authorities brace for the worst, and Chicagoans, tormented by ineptitude, wonder whether the “Monsters of Midway” were the owners all along.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we stop choking.

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