Philadelphia Phillies to Become MLB’s First Offense-Only Team

By Ryan O’Connell

PHILADELPHIA - In a move unprecedented in the 119-year-old history of Major League Baseball, the 2022 Philadelphia Phillies are set to become the first offense-only team in the league. 

Owing to bad pitching and even worse fielding, the Phils are looking to take off the defensive half of innings in order to rest up their energy for the offensive half.

“The way we look at it, there’s only so much strength in the body,” Phillies manager Joe Girardi said in between shoulder press sets. “If we conserve our strength for our at-bats, we’re likely to score more runs and therefore win games.”

“It doesn’t make much sense,” rival Mets manager Buck Showalter shouted from his balcony when asked for a quote. “Sure, batting is important. But to not field any players? Pretty sure that’s not legal.”

“It’s not legal,” confirmed an anonymous MLB executive. “It’s like putting all of your eggs into one basket, then just handing that basket to the other team. We’re pretty sure the first inning would never end were this to happen.”

Though it remains to be seen if the Phillies can get away with only playing offense, early projections show that the team will somehow still finish 80-82, good for 3rd place in the NL East.