Perennial College Football Losers Form Cake Ten Conference

By T. Kent Jones

AKRON, OHIO - Conference realignment took another unexpected turn just days before the start of the 2022 college football season. 

Starting in 2024, some of the sport’s most losing programs will scrap long-time affiliations to form a new conference called the “Cake Ten.”

Vanderbilt, Kansas, UMass, FIU, UConn, Akron, New Mexico State, Arkansas State, Temple, and Duke have agreed to play each other rather than continue their futile struggle to win in their current conferences.

At a launch gala held at the brand-new conference headquarters in Akron, Cake Ten spokesperson Kyle Watson told End of the Bench how it all came together.

“Two weeks ago, we hopped on a Zoom call and all ten programs said the same thing: ‘What are we DOING here?’ We could pour millions into “rebuilding” for twenty years and Auburn would still crush us with their freshman walk-ons,” Watson said. “Enough. Let’s stop all this self-hate and drama and just play football. Good, fun, bad American football.”

Officials chose the name Cake Ten ahead of Doormats United, the Cellar Dwellers Alliance, and The Ineligibles.

Said Watson, “We’re taking back the name. Cupcakes are delicious and comforting and don’t make you scream in anguish at the TV.”

A coach at New Mexico State said his team is looking forward to playing on its own level.

“Not every great boxer is a heavyweight. What we’ve got here is a bunch of scrappy bantamweights. We’ll get to hate on teams our own size. I for one can’t wait to whoop up on some UCONN ass.”

Admitted one FIU coach, “We’ll still get slaughtered by the big boys twice a year for that sweet cable money. But those 66-7 clownings won’t hurt as much knowing we’ve got Temple next week.”

Watson promises that game day in the Cake Ten will be “fun-first, with a side helping of football.”

“We’re going to have DJs and open bars and karaoke. Plus, week after week, each of these teams will have a legitimate chance to win its game. For their fans, that’s a whole new experience.,” Watson added. 

With the rest of college football frantically shuffling its alliances, leaving a conference turned out to be easier than anyone dreamed, even for the lower tiers of college football.

Said a Vanderbilt coach about the SEC, “We thought we’d abandon them before they abandon us. Clemson gave us a ridiculous check and offered to help us move.”

End of the Bench also spoke to one official who thought Kansas had left the Big 12 in 1988.

Cake Ten is currently negotiating an eight-figure deal with ESPN who are confident that this brand of low-stakes, substandard football will still find an enthusiastic drunk audience.