Pennsylvania Declares State of Emergency after Eagles, Steelers Lose

By Clay Beyersdorfer

PENNSYLVANIA - In an unprecedented move, Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro declared a state of emergency Tuesday following the simultaneous losses of the Philadelphia Eagles and the Pittsburgh Steelers in the first round of the 2024 NFL playoffs. 

The decision came after both cities were flooded with distraught fans Monday evening, some aimlessly wandering while muttering play-by-plays, others attempting to console themselves with cheesesteaks or lighting cars on fire.

"We were prepared for our usual despair reserved for one season-ending loss, but now it has doubled," Shapiro said in a statement. “Even the Amish country is reporting signs of rioting, lighting butter sculptures of Jalen Hurts and Mason Rudolph on fire. We need the help, badly.”

The state's emergency services were immediately deployed following Shaprio’s announcement. Crisis counselors have been deployed to the hardest-hit areas, equipped with tissues and recordings of the teams' past victories.

“We’re doing everything we can to get our state back under control, but I fear this hysteria may last until the Phillies’ opener,” Shapiro added, completely forgetting about the Pittsburgh Pirates as one should.

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Officials reported early Wednesday that the emotional toll on the state was akin to "experiencing a solar eclipse and a snowstorm on the same day - rare, disorienting, and slightly apocalyptic."

“This is possibly the lowest this state has ever been, emotionally,” said one official who wished to remain anonymous. “We’re overwhelmed with careless injuries, ranging from broken hands from punching TVs to broken hands from punching car windows. When will the madness stop?”

In a show of solidarity, the mayors of Philadelphia and Pittsburgh appeared together in a joint press conference late Tuesday evening, wearing black armbands and expressions of sorrow typically reserved for natural disasters.

"We stand united in this time of grief," the Mayor of Philadelphia declared, pausing to wipe away a tear. "Today, we are all losers." The Mayor of Pittsburgh added, “But we will rebuild, one terrible towel at a time.”

Plans for a statewide memorial service are underway, with a proposed moment of silence during which the entire state will refrain from mentioning football. 

"It's what they would have wanted," a spokesperson said solemnly. "A moment of peace, free from the agony of defeat."

End of the Bench will have more on this story as soon as we punch out a car window.

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