Olympic Divers Bring Moms to Watch Them Jump Off High Dive

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By Henry Loe

PARIS — In an alarming display of fear and trepidation, Olympic divers have petitioned to bring their mothers poolside as they attempt the "wicked high" 10-meter diving platform—a leap of faith as high as a Costco Wholesale.

Sources tell End of the Bench that the International Olympic Committee had their hands tied when making the decision, claiming that it was for everyone’s safety.

“I gotta be honest. I never expected Olympic high divers to fear heights,” said an IOC spokesperson when reached for comment. “What’s next? They can’t swim? Although we agree to this new rule, we want to make it abundantly clear that no parents should be jumping into the pool to ‘catch’ their children. I can’t believe I just said that.”

The spokesperson’s final comment, of course, alluded to the initial rounds when one mom jumped into the pool promising to catch her daughter, who then proceeded to dive headfirst at 35 miles per hour, causing significant injury to the mother. Despite narrowly escaping death on national television, the proud mom says she would do it again and again.

“I told my daughter I’d catch her, so that’s what I did,” said the mother in a full-body cast. “I’m just proud of her for facing her fears.”

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After clarifying the new "Poolside Mommy Rule," the IOC made further regulations forbidding mothers from applying sunscreen to their children before the event.

“This is an indoor facility,” stated the IOC spokesperson. “Your children are safe from the sun. And before you even ask, there is no lifeguard on duty either. This is an Olympic event, not a community pool. Wow, I need a vacation.”

While the IOC seemed reluctant about the new rule, the divers dug in their heels to defend themselves. Specifically, Team USA blamed their fears on their lack of understanding of the metric system.

“People don’t realize this, but that high dive is the size of a three-story building,” said 10-meter diver Delaney Schnell. “10 meters sounds a lot better than 33 feet! The IOC needs to revise this because I think I speak for all Americans when I say there’s no way I’m learning the metric system.”

Despite the differences in opinion between the athletes and the IOC, the coaches seem willing to do whatever it takes to win.

“As a coach, I’m always looking for ways to give our athletes an edge,” said Team USA’s head coach, Drew Johansen. “And if that means I need to hear Mrs. Schnell scream, ‘You’re so brave, honey!’ into my ear, then that’s what I’ll do. It’s a small price for Olympic glory. Besides, Mrs. S. makes a killer PB&J sandwich, so I really can’t complain.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we call our mom.

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