NFL Wild Card Weekend to Be Officiated by Actual Wild Cards

By Devin Wallace

NEW YORK - The 2023 NFL Wild Card playoff weekend will look a little different after the league announced today they would be replacing all the referees with roving groups of actual wild cards.

Commissioner Roger Goodell, who announced the move at your buddy Murph’s cousin’s place while they watched bird fighting videos on a PS3, said the addition of unpredictable real-life wild cards would make the first playoff round more exciting. 

“Let’s be honest, no one wants to watch the Giants and the Vikings play on a Saturday afternoon,” said Goodell, refusing to let one of the real-life wild cards borrow his phone to call a guy about a thing you don’t have to worry about. “But if the guy calling pass interference is also calling a Craigslist number to buy an endangered bird, now you’re interested.” 

League sources say the real-life wild cards will have all the duties of regular referees, along with “whatever schemes they have cookin’ up in their own time.” 

“We’re aware this means longer game times, as there will be plenty of breaks to see a guy about a horse or take a quick trip down to Tijuana at halftime, but we think it will be worth it,” said NFL Head of Officiating Mike Pereira, while texting three guys named Red, Squib, and Red Jr. 

Along with the rule enforcers come some new rules. For instance, the first down is replaced by the second down, and the second down is replaced by a spontaneous trip to Atlantic City to enter an international baccarat competition. 

“We take our jobs seriously,” said head referee Fugs Melendez, clearly speaking from a speeding vehicle on the freeway. “So seriously we should probably get a little nose candy in the mix, maybe some pills I found in my cousin’s OB-GYN’s office, anything to let wild card weekend live up to its name. Hey, a false start is where we light off stolen fireworks, right?” 

NFL officials say fans should expect the unexpected and plenty of it, literally, as these unpredictable wild cards will definitely be inviting over a dozen of their weirdest acquaintances to help officiate the games.