NFL Replaces National Anthem with ‘National Anthem (Taylor’s Version)’

By Henry Loe

NEW YORK — In a controversial move, the National Football League has announced they will replace the traditional pre-game National Anthem with a new version entitled ‘The National Anthem (Taylor’s Version).’

The move follows the pop singer’s continued relationship with Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, set to take on the Baltimore Ravens next week as the 2024 season gets underway.

League Commissioner Roger Goodell announced the decision at NFL headquarters, a move many are saying will divide the league’s two key demographics: angsty Taylor Swift fans and men who believe yelling at their television impacts the outcome of a football game.

“I knew he was money hungry, but my god Roger,” said an anonymous source. “Have some pride.”

Within hours of the announcement, thousands of Swifties crowded around the league’s office to celebrate their “hard-earned victory.”

“Ahhhh! This is incredible!!!,” said one Swifty out of the crowd. “T-Swift is in her NFL era and next, she’s heading for the White House. They can’t stop us all!”

The fan was then arrested for making a credible threat to the White House.

While fanatical Swifties paraded around the streets of Manhattan, it was a different story for longtime NFL fans who were extremely disappointed by the news, claiming Commissioner Goodell needs to “grow a pair.”

“This is unbelievable,” said longtime Chiefs fan Ron Davies. “It’s like I can’t get away from her. She’s on every tabloid, billboard, and radio station. And now we have to listen to her version of the National Anthem before every game. All my wife and daughter want to do is watch the games with me. How am I supposed to escape my family now? Where’s Kanye when you need him?!” 

Even after receiving hate mail from NFL fans and friendship bracelets from Swifties, Goodell defended his decision.

“Let’s make one thing clear. I am a massive Swifty,” Goodell said when reached for comment. “And that’s not because her presence at NFL games last year has practically quadrupled my salary. This is a great change for our league. I also secretly love the drama.”

Witnesses at NFL headquarters reported seeing the Commissioner standing on his desk in his underwear lip-syncing ‘You Belong With Me’ into a Tom Brady bobblehead.

Despite the majority of Swifties clearly in support of their leader’s decision to re-record the National Anthem, many demanded answers as to why she felt the need to put her spin on such an iconic piece of American history.

“The National Anthem is just the beginning,” Swift said when reached for comment. “When I started re-recording my old songs to claim ownership of the material, I thought to myself, ‘Why don’t I just do this to every song ever created?’ That way it’ll be all Taylor, all the time! Plus, I’ll collect royalties from each song to further monopolize the music industry. It’s the ultimate revenge tour.”

Swift was suddenly interrupted by a phone call from President Joe Biden, congratulating her on becoming the new President of the United States.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we watch ‘The Era’s Tour’ in IMAX.

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