NFL Introduces New Injury Designation for Players Who Get Shot

By Ryan David

NEW YORK—Following yet another shooting of a player, the NFL has introduced measures to curb gun violence with a new firearm-related injury designation: the Thoughts and Players List.

The move comes after 49ers wideout Ricky Pearsall survived a gunshot wound during an attempted robbery in San Francisco a few weeks ago. He was released from the hospital with minor injuries the next day and placed on the Non-Football Injury (NFI) list, a reserve for athletes who suffer afflictions outside the sport.

Pearsall’s harrowing account resembles the shootings of Houston Texans wide receiver Tank Dell in April and Washington Commanders running back Brian Robinson in 2022. 

The shootings have renewed calls for the NFL to address recurring gun violence.

"Enough is enough," said Commissioner Roger Goodell. "Too many people have been hurt by needless bloodshed, and we must act to protect our products—I mean our players. Effective immediately, the Thoughts and Players List (TPL) will support anyone harmed by a firearm.” 

The TPL applies a special status similar to the NFI but with an extended inactivity window, lower insurance costs, and a complimentary bible. Athletes can also qualify for $20,000 in survival bonuses.

Reactions to the announcement were mixed. Critics consider the new policy insufficient and believe certain stipulations unfairly favor team owners. One contentious example is a team’s option to cut someone when his five-week eligibility period expires.

“Medically speaking, our lawyers believe that five weeks is a reasonable recovery timeline for bullet trauma,” a league representative said when reached for comment. “If that is too soon, players should avoid dangerous activities, such as driving, going to school, or being Black.”

The league says it hopes to prevent future carnage by emphasizing faith, as well.

“Realistically, the NFL can’t protect athletes twenty-four seven. We can’t even safeguard them once a week for four hours,” remarked Goodell. “That’s why we recommend seeking protection from a higher power, so long as prayer is not conducted where gun violence is prevalent, like at churches.”

Controversy aside, the 49ers’ Pearsall remains in good spirits. 

“It’s not so bad,” said the wide receiver. “They gave me morphine, a box of bullets, and a pamphlet called Cleaning Your Freedom Wound. I had to sign a document waiving my right to sue before they removed the bullet, but it’s a fair tradeoff.”

As the new policy takes effect, fans hope that football can again be an escape from mortal uncertainty. However, one thing is clear: few organizations care about their athletes, such as the NFL.

At press time, Goodell was finalizing a deal with Nike to produce Kevlar-reinforced jerseys.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we duck and cover.

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