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NFL Introduces New ‘Fan of the Yearʼ Award for Most Creative Death Threats to Playersʼ Families
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The Stabby
By Henry Loe
NEW ORLEANS — The post-season NFL Honors award show just received a major update after Commissioner Roger Goodell announced Monday a new “Fan of the Year” award for the most creative death threats made to playersʼ families.
Goodell explained the idea's origins to reporters, claiming he wanted to “give back to a neglected fan base.”
“We were looking for ways to award the fans for their... let's call it ‘passionʼ for the sport. So, we did some thinking and figured we add a new category for our most loyal viewers: those who threaten to kill our players and everyone they love.”
Goodell added that the award — a ten-pound bust of a football helmet with a knife through it — wonʼt just be given to anyone.
“We expect some serious commitment for this,” he said. “Year after year, the threats are all the same. Some wacko is saying they will burn down Dak Prescottʼs home for choking in the playoffs or threatening to blow up a kicker’s mailbox. We are looking for originality this year.”
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The award will be presented by Aaron Rodgers, who has received a steady level of death threats following his lackluster performance so far this season.
“I waited all year to watch this crap?!” screamed Tod DeLuzio, an angry Jets fan and nominee of this year's award. DeLuzio reportedly sent Rodgers several Polaroid images of him cooking chicken chow mein in his kitchen.
Rodgers seemed unusually calm about the situation, applauding the would-be murdererʼs effort.
“I receive so many of these things that it doesnʼt even phase me anymore. But I was completely blown away when I saw those pictures in my mailbox. The effort. The attention to detail. It was truly admirable. I want him to win so that I can shake their hand.” Rodgers peered over his shoulder. “With several police officers present, of course.”
Although Rodgers seemed very dismissive of the legitimate threat to his life, other players didnʼt share the same appreciation.
“We’re rewarding this?” said Cleveland Browns Quarterback Deshaun Watson, holding a note with cut-out letters from a magazine that spelled ‘I Know Where You Liveʼ. “And this one wasn’t even about the football stuff.”
The announcement has “excited” fans like Jason Hambkis, a long-time New York Giants steward who is eyeing this season’s prize.
“I’m glad that the NFL is finally recognizing our hard work,ˮ the nominee said, looking intently through a pair of binoculars aimed at Daniel Jonesʼ home. “I’ll admit that I was a little disappointed in Jones’ performance, as was the entire state of New York. How can you get paid that much to play so terribly? All Iʼm trying to do is give him a little motivation. And by that, I mean kidnapping his girlfriend and close relatives until he wins a game.”
At press time, the nominees all reported that although their letters were written out of blind rage, they still intended to follow through on their threats.
End of the Bench will have more on this story after we finish this letter.
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