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NFL Concussion Protocol Revealed To Be Magic 8-Ball
Shake it again.
Concussed.
By Devin Wallace
NEW YORK—In a shocking revelation, a leaked video has exposed the NFL’s highly touted concussion protocol as nothing more than a children's toy. What was believed to be a rigorous, multi-step evaluation process performed by independent medical experts is, in fact, a series of questions answered by a Magic 8-Ball.
The concussion assessment, long advertised as state-of-the-art, involves five critical shakes of the toy, with results ranging from “don’t count on it” to the ever-reassuring “ask again later.”
When a player shows signs of head trauma, they are escorted into the blue medical tent, where a specialist in neurology does not greet them but instead by a $9.99 plastic ball casually handled by the Strength and conditioning coach, reportedly bought at a nearby Target just before kickoff.
League coaches have praised the system for its efficiency.
"Honestly, it’s been a game-changer," said one anonymous AFC head coach. "We can confirm whether our star quarterback is ready in seconds. If the ball says ‘Without a doubt’ that he’s concussed, we give it another shake until we get the 'all-clear.' It’s really that simple."
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NFL players, too, have adjusted. Many note that slipping past the Magic 8-Ball to get back on the field is far easier than fooling an actual doctor.
"You can just knock it off the table if it gives you a bad result. No paperwork, no questions," one linebacker shared as blood streamed down from his nose, his gaze locked somewhere in the distance.
The NFL defended using the Magic 8-Ball, insisting that the toy had been thoroughly tested—though no one specified how or by whom.
"When Mattel pitched us the idea, we knew it was a win-win," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “It’s fast, affordable, and takes all the guesswork out of player health. Plus, it’s got nostalgia! Who doesn’t trust a Magic 8-Ball?"
The Mattel Corporation, manufacturers of the Magic 8-Ball, were “delighted” to see their product influencing major medical decisions.
“This is exactly what we envisioned when we acquired the rights to the Magic 8-Ball,” said CEO Ynon Kreiz, polishing a commemorative Magic 8-Ball. "Why limit it to kids' bedrooms when it can play such an essential role in player safety?"
NFL insiders suggest this is only the beginning of the league’s pivot to toy-based medical practices. Rumors are swirling that the board game “Operation” will soon replace trainers, and retired players can expect their disability settlements to be paid out in Monopoly money.
End of the Bench will have more on this story after we make a Target run.
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