NFL Coach Suffers Humiliating Punishment of Million-Dollar Buyout

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By Devin Wallace

JACKSONVILLE — Doug Pederson was fired as the coach of the Jacksonville Jaguars, a truly terrible situation that leaves Pederson embarrassed and destitute, with nothing to his name except the $8.5 million remaining on his contract and the millions more earned over his career.

“You never want people to see you like this,” Pederson said, referring to his meeting with his business manager to review his new seven-figure addition to his investment portfolio. “I should be coaching football games, not buying Malibu beach houses. My friends call me Coach; what will they call me now, ‘owner of multiple custom-made Lamborghinis?’ All I do now is walk around the garden of my new estate in Martha’s Vineyard, become a part-owner of a European soccer club, and decide what to wear to Michael Rubin’s White Party. I’m like a common schlub.”

Pederson, leaving his house in a one-of-a-kind Versace hat to hide his shameful (newly Botoxed) face, said the consequences of his firing have also affected his family.

“My son would be embarrassed to go to school, that is, if he weren’t being privately tutored in science by Neil deGrasse Tyson, in literature by Salman Rushdie, and in music theory by Rick Rubin. I’m so sad he’s constantly scrutinized because of my firing,” said Pederson, showing his son's nearly 2 million followers on Instagram.

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The former coach said he hadn’t spoken to his wife in days and assumed she was too mortified to look him in the eye, or at least in his Cartier Panthère sunglasses. Pederson said his wife of 26 years, Beth, didn’t even sleep at home, staying instead at some run-down fleabag in Monaco, the Hôtel de Paris. When reached for comment, Beth referred us to her new publicist, saying she had a bad reception inside the secret basement of the Louvre, where the idle rich are inducted into a global elite secret society.

Pederson’s neighbors say they haven’t been able to bring themselves to speak to the disgraced coach, mostly because he’s acting like a real jerk.

“He parades around in Prada slippers like a little prince,” said Pederson’s neighbor, Flip Crenshaw. “Yesterday, I tried to make small talk about the weather, but the son of a gun said he wouldn’t know anything about that because he installed a temperature control device in his backyard. Sorry for offending the new king with his weather machine! I thought I made good money as a dentist, but his getting fired made me realize we are not the same people. Wait… is he putting a rain cloud over my house!?”

Pederson says he has no immediate plans to return to coaching, but he noted that his diamond-encrusted phone line is always open. He said he’d welcome the chance to return to his old stadium in Jacksonville — most likely by private jet, then stretch limo, and finally a team of footmen holding him aloft in a velvet throne.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we sadly count all our money.

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