NFL Announces Plans to Air Games Eight Days a Week

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By Doug Kolic

NEW YORK—The National Football League is set to increase the number of games it plays to eight days per week, despite there being only seven days a week, sources tell End of the Bench.

“With TV ratings for our games continuing to skyrocket, the best way to squeeze out even more cash from the public is to air them an extra day a week,” stated Commissioner Roger Goodell when reached for comment. “And the only way to do that is to lobby whoever’s in charge to add an additional day after Sunday and before Monday. It might sound crazy, but we’re the league that, for some reason, brought a team back to Cleveland, so we’re capable of anything.”

Goodell alluded to the history of the eight-day week when making the decision.

“Our research shows that the ancient Romans had an eight-day week before Emperor Constantine ruined everything by reducing it to seven,” said Goodell. “Adding more days to the week would be perfect for our league, whose main purpose is to eventually offer fans a live professional football game at any given moment regardless of day, month, or time. It will go hand-in-hand with our bigger vision of broadcasting so many games until every citizen worldwide lives, breathes, and wants nothing more out of life than watching the NFL, whether they want to or not. We’re the new authority, and you can do nothing about it.”

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Despite Goodell’s bravado, football fans are less enthusiastic about the plan.

“No, we don’t want to watch any more Panthers games,” said Carolina Panthers Fan Jeremy Vlasic. “First of all, our team stinks, so the last thing we need to do is waste even more time cheering for a team that offers us absolutely nothing. Perhaps if I were from Kansas City or San Francisco, I would have a different opinion, but with the team we have, that’s a hard pass. Second, I’m no genius, but I don’t even know what organization exists that can change the number of days in a week. Maybe the Illuminati?”

End of the Bench connected with an individual from a shadowy organization who claimed to have that power.

“Every year, we get inundated with thousands of various requests from organizations around the world to influence everything from elections to the weather,” stated the individual who wished to remain anonymous. “But by far, the most requests we’ve received lately have been from the NFL begging us to add an extra day to the week. They’ve become so belligerent that we had no choice but to ghost them because we were too busy. Plus, we need a break after moving heaven and earth to get the Tigers back into the MLB playoffs finally. That was a hard one, even for us.”

At press time, Goodell also announced plans to lobby the Catholic Church to extend Christmas Day to three days so that they can increase the number of games they sell at a premium to their advertisers during the holidays.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we check our calendars.

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