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New York Mets Excited They Can’t Blow Division Lead They Never Had
Can't be mad about losing what you never had.
In partnership with
Doomsday.
By Devin Wallace
NEW YORK—After the Philadelphia Phillies clinched the NL East division, the New York Mets felt only one emotion throughout the organization: absolute relief that they couldn’t blow a division lead they never had in the first place.
Following years of late-September collapses that cost them the National League East division or kept them out of the playoffs, the entire Mets roster reportedly popped champagne upon the Philadelphia Phillies clinching, raucously celebrating a year without shameful September performances, embarrassing finishes, and offseason finger-pointing.
“They say nothing lost is nothing gained,” said first baseman Pete Alonso, DMing heart emojis to Bryce Harper. “But those people never lost a division lead for the third year in a row, so they can shut their mouths. Knowing that I won’t have to explain every strikeout, error, or disgruntled postgame remark is the greatest feeling in the world. I feel like the luckiest man on the face of the Earth.”
Mets owner Steve Cohen, who shelled out over three hundred million dollars in salary for this season, said every penny was worth it for a fun, low-stakes Wild Card finish.
“This is what you play the game for,” said Cohen, reading a massive ESPN headline about the Phillies clinching the division and a much smaller headline about the Mets winning their latest game. “It’s not about winning or losing; it’s about avoiding a million questions from angry New Yorkers asking what the hell happened out there, what is wrong with you guys, or is this your address, Mr. Cohen? Why? No questions, tell me, is this your address? I’m very glad I get to avoid those questions this year.”
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By now used to autumn disappointment, Mets fans paraded through the streets of Queens following news that their beloved team won’t have a chance to break their hearts this year.
Sal Mazzone, a season ticket holder from Forest Hills, recalled the sickening feeling when the Mets began their second-half winning streak earlier this summer.
“My poor heart couldn’t take all the July wins because I knew it meant more painful September losses. My doctor said I’d be dead in the second mezzanine if my boys were at the top of the standings come September,” Mazzone said. “I guess there is a God because the Mets stayed exactly where the Mets belong: second place. Something awful always seems to happen to the Mets late in the year, but not this year! We’re back on top! And by on top, I mean right below the other guys who are actually on top. It’s perfect.”
At press time, the Mets were preparing for their game against the Milwaukee Brewers, and the asteroid headed directly for Citi Field.
End of the Bench will have more on this story after we collapse.
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