New NASCAR Rule Allows Drivers to Turn Right

By Ryan David

DAYTONA BEACH—NASCAR has announced a rule change upending generations of racing tradition: turning right.

The “Secondary Turn Rule” will allow drivers to choose between two directions: the traditional counterclockwise turn—known and beloved by fans—or moving right.

League owner Jim France spoke to End of the Bench about the revelations underpinning NASCAR’s ambitious new direction.

“I heard about this thing a while back, but it sounded pretty fake,” remarked the executive concerning turning in directions other than left. “Then one day, my chauffeur drove us along a track the lay people call ‘Atlantic Avenue’ and performed the unthinkable maneuver. I said, ‘Can automobiles do that?’ It seemed nuts, but sometimes you gotta take a risk with profits down.”

Industry engineers and research scientists promptly investigated the phenomenon and, within months, greenlit it for in-race use.

Though advocates urge that further utilizing two-dimensional space will improve motorsport, critics cast the policy shift as a gimmick.

“I don’t believe in this so-called ‘right turn’ nonsense,” commented die-hard fan Elliot Church, repeatedly pacing in a counterclockwise circle. “Not for racing and not when taking my kid to soccer practice. Sure, I loop around the block three times to go right. It’s a nightmare, but are you suggesting there’s another way?”

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Officials caution that radical rule modifications could create unsafe racing scenarios, like confused drivers pulling over to ask for directions or tears in the spacetime continuum from violating the universe’s fundamental laws.

NASCAR dismissed those concerns but later approved vehicle designs with fifty additional airbags and an eject button.

More rules are expected to shake up the financially ailing organization, some borrowed from different sports.

“I once saw these guys beat the crap outta each other in the middle of an ice-puck circuit,” exclaimed France about an NHL game. “Then I watched my kids play Grand Theft Auto and thought, wouldn’t it be cool to let drivers carry guns and steal their competitors’ cars in the Daytona 500?”

Such directives could also feature pursuing police cars and incentivize greater competition among drivers, lest they be arrested for committing violent crimes.

The league hopes these daring initiatives can renew interest in racing. It will debut the changes in its upcoming series, Pepsi Presents The Sony 400 Xfinity Cup at Progressive Speedway Powered By Trojan Raw-Dawg Ultra Thins.

At press time, NASCAR was attempting to recruit the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.

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