NBA Scout Waiting Outside Pickup Court, Hoping Generational Talent Shows Up

By Divyansh Kulshrestha

WASHINGTON—Determining that this was the best course of action for the franchise's future, Washington Wizards scout Mark Butler reported Monday that he would be standing outside local pickup courts, just waiting for the next generation of talent to appear.

“There are a lot of high-quality players in the upcoming draft, but in all honesty, we’re looking for something more,” said Butler, taking a peek at yet another empty court. “Our only hope of finding the next Jordan or the next LeBron is to scour local pickup courts and see if a once-in-a-lifetime player happens to show up.”

According to sources, the Wizards’ front office is ditching all advanced metrics and statistical models in favor of accidentally discovering a basketball phenom on his way to a pickup game. Scouts are now stationed near makeshift hoops on street corners, keeping their eyes peeled for any generational talent walking by.

“Talent scouting at high school or college games has become worthless after more than 75 years of the NBA. Moneyballing your team isn’t going to work either—no one’s Brad Pitt in this league,” Wizards general manager Will Dawkins said. “The only ideal situation to find your franchise player is if your car breaks down, and you stumble upon an abandoned basketball court where a teenager drains threes.”

Philadelphia Eagles fans are…something. Belichick suggests renaming the Lombardi. The Super Bowl is upon us! A major brawl broke out in St. Louis. The country mourns the loss of figure skaters in D.C.

The Wizards are also employing revolutionary new tactics in their search for talent, including scouting abnormally tall kids in local foster care communities and high school science clubs. Reports indicate the team is prepared to use its first-round draft pick on one of these kids as soon as he declares for the draft.

Former Golden State Warriors general manager Bob Myers, who won four championships with the team, criticized the Wizards’ approach, claiming that trailblazing basketball talent will never just fall into a GM’s lap—especially in a less desirable market like Washington.

“You can visit as many pickup courts as you want, but you won’t find the right piece for your team unless you have the secret ingredient—a classy location like the Bay Area,” Myers said. “It’s a tale as old as basketball—generational talents are never going to go to a dipshit city voluntarily.”

At press time, Wizards scouts were spotted outside a local hospital’s prenatal care center, evaluating newborns to see if any could already grip a basketball.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we lace it up.

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